the 4th star

I got your ‘sucks’ right here!

It’s official. The people who write this blog (me) and the people who read this blog (you) don’t know jack squat about football. Think about this for a second: In the course of fifteen weeks minus a game in the National Football League schedule, the 4th Star has administered no less than three suicide pools. That’s right. Three different suicide pools have come and gone already, and there is still two weeks — plus the Monday nighter tonight — left to go.

We are suck. The Suck Revolution. Vitamin Suck.

On a different prognostication note, and in an attempt to save some face over here, I called it. Let’s go back to the start of the 4th Star Suicide Pool (third edition). The forecast screamed disappointment: Amazingly, I have real doubts that we can sustain this thing until the Super Bowl. Even the New Year looks like a reach.

A JaMarcus Russell drive later, and Christmas is ruined for three out of the four who were left to play this past week. With that improbable Oakland victory, comes a winner of the final suicide pool of the season. DKUN, who I believe was literally swimming out past the breakers on a surfing excursion last month, tapped into his extensive knowledge of the AFC West (he’s a San Diego fan) and stayed far away from the Broncos-Raiders tilt. One could make the case that taking the up and down Cardinals put his pick in just as much peril as a Denver selection, but you can’t argue with the results.

A crappy bottle of wine (or the iced-tea equivalent) is his.

To all participants over the season, thanks for playing. It’s been fun in a weird Internet, we-dont-know-shit, kind of way. No promises, but I’ll try to come up with something for the NFL post season. As always, suggestions are welcome in the comments or via the email machine.

Not sure what was worse last night: Watching the New Orleans Saints be completely dominated by the Dallas Cowboys or the sight of Peter King holding hands with Tony Romo at the end of the game. This is the same Cowboys team that barely beat the Chiefs this year? Dallas should have been up 28-0 at the half last night, that’s how good they looked. Thanks, Saints. Thanks for ending this miserable season for the Big Blue. Merry Christmas to me.

There are a few different scenarios left for the New York Giants to make the playoffs, but the smart money would be on them having to win out on the remaining three games, while the Cowboys drop one of their last two. Was that a tumbleweed that just rolled by? Speaking of smart money, here’s a last minute three-play for those of you looking to flush your smart money down the toilet:

Cleveland at Kansas City
Browns +120
If I had kids, I would punish them by making them watch this snoozer these crappy teams.

Cincinnati at San Diego
Bengals plus 7
Hard week for the Tigers. Obviously no one knows how the team will respond but I have to think there are enough veterans on the club to draw some inspiration from Chris Henry’s death. The Chargers have to take a game off here at some point, don’t they?

Minnesota at Carolina
Panthers plus 9
I’ll be watching this game with three beautiful ladies who all have a general idea of what a football is. Here’s the kicker: Scheduled outdoor hot tub breaks are planned for half-time. All post game interviews will be conducted in the water, as well. Don’t worry, though. We’re not going to be enjoying beers and wine, or snacking on some fine cheeses or anything like that. The forecast calls for a nice, light snow this evening, too. Making you jealous is the only reason I’m playing this game today. The Panthers probably have no hope of keeping this game close, but I’m taking ‘em anyway. You know what they say, good things come in threes.

Let’s just end this discussion before it gets to a point of concern. The community ownership model the Winnipeg Blue Bombers employ — the one that has been in operation in one form or another for some eight decades — is not the reason the club has gone 19 years without winning a championship in an eight team league. This idea that the model is somehow limiting the Bombers from challenging for a Grey Cup is based on absolutely nothing.

Though the organizational structures are a bit different, a look at the other community-owned clubs in the CFL helps back this claim.

The Edmonton Eskimos have community ownership. They haven’t been very successful at all, though. Three Grey Cup appearances in that last decade, two titles. That’s all. How have they not folded yet? Closer to Manitoba, the Saskatchewan Roughriders employ a public model like that of the NFL’s Green Bay Packers. A board of directors is formed, and shares are sold to the public periodically. Buy a share or two, and you become eligible to be elected to the board. How’s that worked out for the Riders, you ask? Two Grey Cup showings in the past three seasons — one title.

That came against the community-owned Bombers.

A popular argument made by haters of the community-mindset comes with the suggestion that private ownership is the way to the promised land. Local media watchdogs with a new horse to support in the form of the Asper dream will say this is the only salvation option for the Bombers. A peek into our own backyard, however, shows this path may not lead to the promised land.

The Winnipeg Goldeyes have been a positive summer distraction for 16 years now.  The top turnstile-turners in the Northern League are a cash cow for Sam Katz and the various branches on his ownership tree. They’re always mentioned as one of the top minor league baseball operations in North America, accolades that factor in high attendance numbers. Has it produced a winner? Nope. One title — way back in 1994. The current 0-for-15 drought doesn’t exactly scream dynasty. There were seasons of just SIX teams, too.

Winnipeg’s other season, winter, is dominated by the Manitoba Moose. Once again, an ownership group led by Mark Chipman is as solid as the ice his team plays on. I can’t say one bad thing about the way the club is run. In terms of the way things are handled and the amenities that are provided, players have compared the Moose experience to the NHL. They chartered a jet this year, for Christ’s sakes! It doesn’t get any better than that. Unfortunately, all the private ownership in the world hasn’t won jack. We’re into Year #14 of Moose hockey, with no championship banners hanging from the rafters.

Forget about Asper riding to the rescue; it’s not the ownership model that’s the problem. If you weigh the passion and relatively large population of the fanbase against the relatively low expense risk of operating a CFL franchise in this market, the community model should be a perfect fit. Aren’t the Bombers second behind the Roughriders in merchandise sales? Maybe we should change the model to that of our neighbours. The following is there. All that’s needed are a few astute people to run the football side of things. Mix in a winning season and a sniff at a championship every other year, and watch the money roll in. Where do you think the current Bomber surplus came from?

Until Lyle Bauer over-reached on his football acumen, going past Brendan Taman to fire Doug Berry, a move which set off a chain of events that brought Mike Kelly to Winnipeg, things actually appeared to be headed in the right direction with the team. I’m not saying private ownership doesn’t have it’s privileges — it certainly can provide a nice comfort if the top dog has the deep pocket potential — I’m just saying it’s not the reason for the current Bombers plight.

Aww baby, thanks for the shirt. No, I love it…I needed another casual button down. I think it fits OK. Where’s the top button, though? Can I wear it open like this? I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I’m gonna need to make sure that I’m always up against a green wall. What? Stop it, already. The colour is fine. You know me, I don’t like flashy tones like blue or light blue. They’re not my style. I’m not being stupid, I’m being serious. It’s not really a colour, and I like that. I like you. Listen baby, why don’t we blow off this dinner party and hang out here? Maybe take a shower, maybe try that new massage oil you bought, or maybe do that hot wax thing we saw on TV during that free month of extra channels we had. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Anything to get me out of this fuckin’ shirt! I look like Brandon Walsh in this thing!

There was a clear winner in the media battle on Black Blue Thursday, and I’m not talking about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ fan or the club’s media relations department.

Lost in all this Mike Kelly/Lyle Bauer circus was the fact that Gary Lawless, he of the Winnipeg Free Press, absolutely killed it yesterday. His partner on the Hustler & Lawless show threw some praise to the intrepid-ness (is that a word?) of the “Big Head” but I thought it deserved mention in a forum like this. Before highlighting his day of reporting, some full disclosure is required:

“Lawless” is a good friend of the blog. I have appeared on the radio show. So snicker if you want, but that relationship doesn’t take away from that fact that he won the Thursday hands-down. Try to make a case against that. No? Exactly.

In the morning edition, he led off his day in the broadsheets with Bauer possibly leaving. It wasn’t the safe play. It was a sharp contrast to what the national reports on TSN and the Globe and Mail had, both suggesting that Kelly’s job was secure and that the Bombers press conference was to shore up details on that item. On the strength of those reports, the local outlets went in that direction, too. Lawless mentioned the Kelly report further down in his hard copy, but leading with Bauer and the implication that it was his time was the sweet stroke of the a.m.

Everyone was now in catch-up mode, searching for their ball in the tall grass. While they figured out their next play, Lawless’ second shot landed just inches from the cup. With the help of the reporters on the news side, he broke the story that Kelly had been arrested and charged with assault and harrassment following an alleged domestic dispute with a former girlfriend in Pennsylvania. Far as I can tell, all outlets followed his lead on that one, too.

Ugh. I need a shower now.

Prog-rock pioneers Kick Me Kate had a song called Black Wednesday. It was all about the day Teemu Selanne was traded to the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. I don’t know if yesterday’s events warrant a ‘Black Thursday’ title, but it certainly wasn’t a good day for those on Maroons Road. What’s everyone saying? Well, let’s do this in the order of events. Lots to cover.

The Winnipeg Free Press reports Lyle Bauer is indeed headed off to Calgary. The goateed-one’s high-light package includes a solid career in the Blue and Gold. The Winnipeg Sun says Bauer’s solid gold legacy is tarnished by bringing in his friend to coach the team.

That was the lightning. Then came the thunder. The Mike Kelly news. The board of directors say they wanted to get rid of Kelly before word of his arrest broke. That arrest could get the Blue Bombers out of a pricey contract. It seems Kelly’s pattern of questionable behavior was apparent right from the start, while a longtime player pulls out his moral superiority card when talking about his former coach. People still use Facebook? What Kelly story would be complete without list of his stumbles and public embarrassments? Now that the Blue Bombers are flying without a compass, uncertainty is under the tree for the football club as the calendar flips to a new year.

Not that you care, but 4th Star opinions on Bauer and Kelly — both quick-hitters — are here and here. If I find more stuff throughout the day, if something else breaks or other columns come to light, I’ll throw them up here. One stop shopping, people. I’m like the Bomber store of unfortunate news.

Memories are made of this.

Connect the dots.

What’s this about Danica Patrick skipping Daytona?

Obviously, the cork has just been pulled on this story and the details need to breathe, but surely this is the end of the Mike Kelly era in Winnipeg. With the Winnipeg Blue Bombers board of directors not giving him any sort of endorsement at the Bauer resignation, I can’t help but wonder how long he would have lasted as the head coach before this incident. The facts in the case have yet to come out — for all we know Kelly was just defending himself against his ex-girlfriend and things got physical from there — but regardless of how it unfolds, Kelly’s dismissal (or resignation) press release is probably already sitting on Darren Cameron’s desktop.

As the anti-Kelly establishment declares victory, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for the story. Usually I would find an angle to poke some fun here, but I actually feel sad for the guy this time. Mike Kelly was way over his head as a football head coach in this town. Through all his fire and brimstone he never really figured out that Winnipeg is just as passionate as his beloved Philadelphia. For his warts as a football coach and as a figurehead of a community owned football team, he believed in himself — a trait that should be commended. Too bad he never understood how to temper that confidence with an ounce of humility. He never seemed to make the connection between the city and the team. He made casual attempts at the end, but no one really bought in. See, Kelly wanted blind faith in his Blue Bombers. He wanted their vote. But it wasn’t the fanbase that was blind to what was happening in his tenure — it was him. He never stepped back from his fighter’s stance to see that people actually cared for the product. It was always personal with him and some fans may have disagreed with the choices Kelly made and the way he did business, but they wanted (and still want) to win just as much as he did. Instead, it was always ‘You’re either with us or against us’ — a stance that never stood for anything.

Kelly’s aim wasn’t misguided. He just couldn’t see past himself.

It’s a sad end to a football story peppered with unbelievable moments in his poor judgment. Sportswriters in this town never had it so good. Guys like Friesen and Penton, Tait and Lawless, will look back at this past season, maybe over beers with each other, and become drunk with glee from each muddled memory. Remember the time when…? That day is not today, though. This is not a time of smiles and as the vultures circle over the carcass, both locally and nationally, I can’t help but feel bad for the guy. Shockingly bad — with shock being the key word there. If there’s one concern in all this, it’s that there are police charges against a man and a father, and there is a woman who has allegedly been assaulted.

Maybe this is a case of that poor judgment again.

Word out of Bomberland is that the big board wheels are meeting tonight. In what will be a shocking development, and please note the sarcasm in that phrasing, it is expected that Kelly will be let go. And that concludes one of the biggest — not to mention one of the more surreal — days in Winnipeg Blue Bombers history. Holy crap.

Who needs Grey Cups when you have this kind of action?

I’ll have a complete wrap-up on all the Bombers news Friday, checking out what people are saying about the Bauer step-down and the Kelly arrest. Should be an interesting day of reading.

UPDATE #1: According to the police report, Kelly got into a verbal dispute with his ex-girlfriend, Andrea Peterson, and things escalated. The report reads that Kelly says she attacked him. Police say Kelly claims he was defending himself, which resulted in the minor injuries to both parties.

UPDATE #2: Kelly is scheduled to appear in court Dec. 23. Merry Christmas.

UPDATE #3: It’s official.

As Winnipeg football fans wonder what life will be like with one less Harley Davidson roaring down the city streets in the coming weeks, I’m wondering about the legacy that Lyle Bauer leaves behind.

Will it be of the football player, the bruising offensive lineman who bled Blue and Gold during his time on the field? Or will it be all business, as the suit who swooped in 10 years ago and saved the Blue Bombers from financial ruin. Sure, everyone the Bombers owed money to had to basically say ‘Don’t worry about it’ — making his true role in that slice of history debatable — but nevertheless, he was the point man for the team during that time. He gets the credit. That’s how it works.

Will it be as a survivor? The man battled and beat cancer during his time in the big chair. That certainly will be included on the high-light reel. Or will Bauer be remembered as the guy who failed to bring a Grey Cup to Winnipeg? That’s a tough label to accept, but it is factually relevant. This city’s football population has turned into a monster in that back half of a generation — an angry, jaded mob that is getting very accustomed to being happy with their misery. That falls to him, as well. That’s how it works.

Or will Bauer be remembered for going for broke with his good buddy, Mike Kelly. Hiring a coach on the basis of friendship was a gamble. A risky move that (seemingly) has turned into a disaster. Year One was a public relations mess that polarized the Bomber fanbase and saw people stay away from the stadium. Bauer will certainly wear some of that, too.

There will be those out there who think Bauer should be remembered for getting out while things are turning sour. And it’s not like the stars haven’t aligned for this move. The ownership might be changing hands. The board of directors was asking some tough questions. A potential job opportunity in Calgary. A crumbling stadium and a murky future home field looking cloudier by the day. The disgruntled fan base. No real prospects for a Grey Cup in the coming years. Good time as any to leave.

The legacy question will be asked at the Bombers press conference today. The answer is complicated.

Other complicated questions that need answers: What’s the over/under on Kelly’s tenure now that he no longer has the Bauer safety net? Is it a situation where it’s either pay Kelly now, or pay Kelly later? What happens when Kelly brings in an offensive co-ordinator and it still doesn’t work out? How can Kelly be at fault if he’s only doing what’s asked of him? How could the Bombers BoD go with Kelly if Bauer moves on? Is this the twilight zone? Are the Gliebermans living in Winnipeg these days?

Squirrel problem in the North End. They’re getting into the house through a tiny hole that leads to the attic. It’s not even the attic — it’s like a small little sublet of the attic. Regardless, it’s a situation. Not because of the obvious infestation and the issues related to everyone’s general health. No, it’s a problem because I find it gross. Disgusting. They’re rodents. Not helping matters is the fact that it’s -30 C all the time and the daylight in Winnipeg ceases at around two o’clock. Who in their right mind wants to get up on the ladder in those conditions?

To tackle the squirrel sect, I first went to the original solution. Back in the day, before my time when the Army of Alvin ruled the roost, a cat was acquired to kick them in the nuts. Mission accomplished! These days, though, the cat has little interest in hunting. She’s quite comfortable resting on her laurels. My second option was poison. After some internal debate, however, I decided to look elsewhere.

Squirrel trap. Oh yeah! On loan from CK, the trap is basically the size of the box a nice bottle of booze comes in. A little small, considering the size of the grey squirrel I’m dealing with here, but I decided to give it a go. So after several trial runs involving trapping the aforementioned cat (just joking), I placed a spoonful of organic peanut butter on the margarine container lid located inside the cage and carefully set it up in the attic. Two days in — nothing. Sweet fuck all. Not even a cat.

And then today came. A routine hike up the cold, attic stairs for a brief look-see resulted in a trapped squirrel. CATCH! Now I’m no Jack Hanna, but he/she/it sure didn’t want to be in that cage. Feisty! It wasn’t as big as I thought it was, but whatever. The son of a bitch was mine! Remembering the advice of CK, I made my way to the linen closet, grabbed a blanket (towel), and covered the trap before escorting the animal to the trunk of my Big Red Rocket of Love. A leisurely drive over the Red River (apparently, if you don’t want squirrels to come back you’re supposed to take them across bodies of water), a very awkward (and comical) release later, and I was squirrel free. I felt good. I celebrated with a chicken shawarma.

Upon my return to the North End Estate, a brief stop to drop the trap off, I heard some scratching above my head. I knew exactly what it was. That’s why, as I walked past the gate and into the backyard, I wasn’t surprised or upset, or even mad that when I looked up to where the tiny, little hole was I saw another squirrel — the big one, my original prey — scaling the stucco exterior of the house. So that’s how it’s gonna be, eh? The trap has been set. Again. Game on.

*Yes, this is where you make your 4th Star Suicide Pool (third edition) picks. Four people remain and they go by the names of Hudsy, DKUN, Masterclark, and KO. Please be mindful that you cannot select the Saints, Colts, Vikings, Patriots, Chargers, or the Bengals. Picks in the comments. And yes, I couldn’t come up with anything today.