the 4th star

Big thanks to NCMF for the picture of Elisha Cuthbert tonight. It’s from some Coupe Grey Cup function. Before you ask, I’ve already scolded him for supplying us with one of the worst photos ever taken. It looks like a blurry picture of my aunt June. Terrific. We can certainly do better than that. I’ve put in a request for him to get a shot of her up on his broad shoulders. He’s a little leery of the request but I know he’s got it in him. This could get interesting.

UPDATE #1: According to the source, CBC vixen Krista Erickson is there. I don’t know much about Erickson, but I do know that soulless hot chicks with an agenda hate other hot chicks as a rule. The daggers must be out by now.

UPDATE #2: Regarding the lack of a follow-up pic of Elisha: “Her security guard has mean eyes, too.”

UPDATE #3: ‘Member when I said this could get interesting? I lied. Unless you consider Erickson following Cuthbert around the room as something. Of course she is. Quote: “They are both directly behind me right now.” Love it. Also thrown into the babe mix (cougar edition) is CTV’s Pamela Wallin, who apparently is sitting at Cuthbert’s table.

UPDATE #4: Still waiting on that piggy-back picture.

FINAL UPDATE: Just got word there’s no picture coming. Sadness. To cheer myself up, I’m going to assume that the bald guy next to the blonde blurry blob in the above photo is Mike Kelly and he’s being inappropriate.

“So all is not lost. It only feels like it is.”

That line pretty much sums up how things are over here regarding the New York Giants. Not great right now. The post season seems merely a dream at this point and with the way the team looked against Denver on Thursday, I have to wonder if the high point of the year was when they pounded Oakland at home in Week…well, whatever week that was. Back when they were winning, let’s just say.

Here’s Osi Umenyiora, after the Giants had the stuffing beat out of ‘em by the Broncos: “We’re not a bad team. We’re a good football team. We just played bad today. We’ll get it right. We’ll get it right.”

Seems like I’m not the only one in denial.

Though we still have games to go in Week 12 of the National Football League schedule, let’s take a look at those teams still in the mix for some playoff bravado. Before checking out the complicated American Football Conference, let’s start with the National Football Conference. Amazingly, the Giants are still among the living. Check that: It only feels like they are.

NFC

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings have earned the first round byes. Arizona has a three-game lead over San Francisco in the West division, so they look pretty good, and despite with the Philadelphia Eagles (and NYG) do, the Dallas Cowboys should be able to hang on and claim the East. Even though they are based out of Texas. Whatever. The wild card contenders:

Green Bay Packers
Record: 7-4
Remaining schedule: home to Baltimore; at Chicago; at Pittsburgh; home to Seattle; at Arizona.
Prognosis: Though the records of the opponents might not show it, that’s a tough schedule. The only gimmie there is the Seattle game. They’ll need to win the home games and grab that Chicago game to get in.
Probability of post season: Probably.

Philadelphia Eagles
Record: 6-4
Remaining Schedule: home to Washington; at Atlanta; at NYG, home to San Fran; home to Denver; at Dallas
Prognosis: Considering that they’ve split with the G-Men and Cowboys already, a lot depends on their remaining division games. The game in Georgia is no picnic, either. If they take care of business at home, they should get in. Fortunately, for Eagles-haters like myself, those games against the 49ers and Broncos will feature desperate visitors.
Probability of post season: Probably.

NYG
Record: 6-5
Remaining Schedule: home to Dallas; home to Philly; at Washington; home to Carolina; at Minnesota
Prognosis: Need to win four of these games. Beating Dallas and Philly would certainly help things right off the bat. If they can still keep the season meaningful by the time they get to Carolina, I’d be thrilled.
Probability of post season: All signs point to FUCK!

Atlanta Falcons
Record: 5-5
Remaining Schedule: home to Tampa Bay; home to Philly; home to New Orleans; at NY Jets; home to Buffalo; at Tampa Bay
Prognosis: Are you kidding me? Tampa Bay twice! The Saints game is tough and the Eagles offer no chance to rest, so the Bucs double header tied to a bad Bills team and an inconsistent Jets squad could put things to nine wins. That’s not going to be enough.
Probability of post season: Probably not.

1. Saskatchewan fans will be annoying leading up to and during the game. Not the usual annoyance that we’re all used to, but a hyped-up, watermelon-fueled level of farm-implement bother that will turn any good-natured Canadian soul into a jealous ball of rage. We get it. You like your team.

2. Dave Randorf will be stuffed into a mailbox during the Saturday night festivities.

3. Montreal will have no fans at the game. A few Canadiens jerseys will pop up over the weekend, but there won’t be any Quebec presence to speak of. When asked about the lack of crowd support before kick-off, Alouettes coach Marc Trestman says he’ll be looking for the “French-speaking contingent of Calgary” to be with his club. Following the interview, a reporter tells him he’s in Alberta.

4. By request, the DJ puts on some Nickelback at one of the Rider parties. Everyone in attendance knows the words. Colin James storms out in a huff.

5. Back to TSN. Matt Dunigan tapes a sit-down interview with Mike Kelly to be shown during the 19 hours of pre-game the national network has planned. In it, Dunigan asks Kelly to marry him. The Bombers coach starts to cry. In tears, Kelly tells his former quarterback that he needs to phone Andy Reid to give him the good news. The two hug again. With the cameras rolling, ‘The Plagiarist’ waddles onto the set and consoles them both. He then pulls out a piece of paper and reads about the virtues of lost loves finding each other again. Turns out he lifted a speech from a wedding in the hotel he was staying in. A poorly-worded speech, too.

6. All of the chicks in Calgary are wearing green. Upon further inspection, however, it seems none of them are in town for the game. Everyone knows that when a Saskatchewan girl comes of age she moves to Alberta to find a job. Three years later, after barely making ends meet with their over-priced apartment costs and deadbeat boyfriend who wants to open his own tattoo parlour, they quit working at Chili’s and move back to Moose Jaw.

7. I will be watching one of these games instead. Not really a prediction, more of a fact.

8. TSN again. When discussing the pressures and spotlight the players will face, Milt Stegall will say something about his vast Coupe Grey Cup experience. Laughter ensues across the country. In classic 85 form, Stegall goes after Randorf — the smallest guy in the room.

9. TSN one last time. Jock Climie, Schultz, and Darren Dutchyschen are feeling it this weekend. A three-way bet on who will land Elisha Cuthbert is made. Climie looks to have the inside track as Schultz gets distracted by an arm wrestling contest at Cowboys and ‘Dutchie’ passes out after three MGDs. The former receiver blows it though when he starts talking down to her in that dick-ish way he has about him.

10. Jim Cuddy gets so much action during the week he forgets to show up at half-time. Greg Keelor is livid at yet another perceived slight by the more-popular Cuddy, and announces that Blue Rodeo is breaking up before they’re scheduled to play. Desperate for a half-time act, organizers throw in some Nickelback.

11. Saskatchewan hangs tough for the first 20 minutes, but Montreal proves to be too deep in the critical areas. The Als win 42-32, setting off the expected riot in Cowtown. Actually, the rioting would happen if the Roughriders win. Either way, TSN decides to keep the cameras rolling as the Calgary burns, giving Canada an early birthday present and making us all feel good about ourselves. In a related story, Pierre McGuire is seen throwing wet towels on Dion Phaneuf’s house. The things we do for love.

12. In the Coupe Earl Grey Cup, played right after the game in the Winnipeg darkness, yours truly steps in a hole on the schoolyard turf and is on the shelf for the next six weeks. On second thought, maybe I’ll just tune into the Steelers-Ravens at the local watering hole.

“What the fuck is this shit?”

- James Franco, at home watching the Coupe Grey Cup (1975).