the 4th star

The simple solution is to phone in sick. I don’t think I can come in today, I’m not feeling well. Don’t just make the cold call. Be smart about it. Lay the ground work today and tomorrow — a little cough here, a ‘God, I feel awful’ there — and then attempt the move Thursday morning. Make sure you use the ‘I’m sick’ voice when you talk to the boss. Very important. If you really want to sell it hard, drop in an H1N1 reference or two. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, this needs to be handled delicately.

Why the caution, you ask? Well, even the most oblivious and self-involved managers will know what’s up. It’s Thanksgiving in the U.S. and that means football. Lots of football. Two games in the afternoon, and one prime time match-up to send you to bed. It’s a perfect day — there’s no Sunday guilt about not raking the leaves or cleaning the gutters or doing whatever needs to be done around the yard. Besides, you’re sick. Best you just lay on the couch and try to get some rest. And remember to drink lots of fluids. I would start with beer and then drift into the hard stuff towards sundown. This way you’ll still be relatively alert during the daylight hours — just in case the office calls or sends a car to check on you. You don’t want to be caught healthy. Or drunk.

For those above the 49th who love the four-down game but don’t wish to put their employment in jeopardy, the day is tricky to navigate and requires some foresight. Get into work early. If you have a television near your desk — great. Grab the remote early and make your calls in the morning. If there’s a break-room with the game on — save your breaks and lunch for later in the day, when Green Bay extends their lead to four scores over the Lions. If neither of those gridiron escapes look promising, then you’ll have to go to Plan B. Get out of the office in the afternoon. Give the illusion that all of your work needs to be done off-site. Schedule a meeting at 2 p.m. And another at three. Convince that client who loves the Cowboys to meet you at Earls. Not only will you get to watch the Raiders keep the game close until the final minutes, but you can also expense the lunch (and drinks — wink, wink).

Watch yourself with the booze, though. You don’t want to phone in sick on Friday, too.

One other thing: ALWAYS check the NFL schedule before the season starts. Like, as soon as it comes out, study it and remember the dates. This way, you’ll avoid agreeing to a dinner at the exact same time your New York Giants are playing in Denver. Not that I’m speaking from experience. That would never happen over here.

Here’s a photo of Kris Brown and the human shield he’ll be sporting the rest of the season.

On a whim, I decided to check out Brown’s Wikipedia page seconds after he missed the game-tying field goal Monday night, sending the Houston Texans back to mediocrity and putting me out to pasture in the process. It’s bad enough you miss a kick earlier in the game, but to shank that so bad with a post season spot on the line — inexcusable. Especially when you look back to that Indy game earlier in the year. How many big misses does this guy have left in his leg? Maybe he should start kicking with his left leg. FUCK. Here’s a screen grab from Brown’s page:

Funny stuff. And that was posted mere seconds after Jon Gruden stopped saying “This guy!” It seems Texans fans are both upset and in denial. A minute later, the page was cleaned up by Brown’s people and the reality of his inability to rise to the occasion was swept under the rug. That’s the problem with things like Wikipedia and the Internet — they never give you the whole story.

Colours I like more than brown: blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, pink, magenta, flesh.

Thanks to Brown’s inability to make pressure kicks, the 4th Star Suicide Pool: Zombie Edition is now over, as two of the three went wide left this past week. Congrats go out to the MDB, who wins on the ridiculous Dallas showing against Washington. Earlier on Sunday, Hudson met his maker on the Steelers flushing their season down the toilet against the Chiefs. Usually the winner gets a bottle of crappy wine, so the next time out the drinks are on me. On the plus side (for my wallet), MDB is heading out of town for a few weeks. I think Dreamcoat is touring in Europe or something. Here’s hoping the ginger one forgets that I owe him a few gin and gingers when he gets back.

That’s it for the weekly pool. There are still six weeks left — plus playoffs.

What the heck are we going to do now?