Press Your Luck: Tobias Tries His Hand
I’m afraid I have to come out of the closet here.
No, no, you silly goose. That’s not what I meant. Interesting your mind went there, though. No, what I’m talking about is the sport of the football. Those burly, sweaty men with their big muscles and tight silk pants slapping and hitting each other on manicured fields of grass, all in the name of skinning a pig and putting it in their opponent’s end. Why is every one named ‘back?’ Quarterback, running-back, cornerback, full back, halfback, tailback — I’ve been looking at the backs of these guys all week but I don’t understand the connection. Or maybe I’ll understand more than you’ll never know. I just blew blue your mind, didn’t I? Tight end. Now there’s a meaty, leading man part I could really sink my teeth into.
It seems people like to bet on the football in Vegas, which is weird because I thought they only had big stage shows there. A wicked little she-devil, this City of Angels. (narrator Ron Howard: it’s called Sin City) I don’t buy this wagering, but I am curious — is that why there are so many men in Vegas? I thought they were just there to see Cirque and the fairest of ladies, Celine Dion. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (narrator Ron Howard: he’s thinking of Lady Marmalade)
So I don’t know much about this ball, but I will channel my inner jockeys and put forth some wagers for this slate of matches on Sunday. I think I’m going to go straight this time. (narrator Ron Howard: he means straight up). Yeah, straight it is. A big money shot would certainly put a smile on my face.
Cincinnati at Oakland
Raiders +350
Philadelphia at Chicago
Bears +145
British Columbia at Montreal
Lions +375
Ed note: Based on Tobias’ ridiculous choices, his $30 ticket could profit him $87 at the end of the day. I’m not saying I would follow this path if I were you, but wouldn’t it be a real kick in the never nude cut-offs (or a sausage in the mouth) if he collected on these and you didn’t?
