the 4th star

Montreal. What a beautiful city. If you’ve never been, what’s wrong with you? If you haven’t been recently (like yours truly), well then drop me a line and we’ll go. I don’t like poutine, though. Sorry. Hope that isn’t a deal breaker for you. I like being pretentious and snobby, though. Back to Montreal for a second. Sadly, I’ve only visited the city once. I went to check out The Forum before it shut its doors. C’est magnifique! Le hockey history. Not knowing what I was doing when I purchased a standing room ticket, imagine my surprise when the beautiful ushers opened the doors and a flood of people started running up stairs. Not wanting to appear anti-French, I started running, too. Did I know where I was going? No. But I sure know where I’ve been.

Turns out there were two or three levels of standing room access. Unaware of this when I started up the tight staircase, I veered off into one of the corridors and found myself standing at one end of the rink. Pretty high up, too. I didn’t really care about that, though. I was just happy to find a spot on the rail that wasn’t obstructed. Looking back, why didn’t that broad who gave us the tour of The Forum earlier in the day mention this? I thought she liked me. Turns out she thought I was stupid. Most french girls do. During that tour, I did grab a practice puck that I found in the stands. Still got it.

Which bring me to the East Final. The B.C. Lions (or is it the Baie-Comeau Lions?) take on the Montreal Alouettes (Sunday, noon, TSN). At first glance, picking this game seems easier than picking your nose. I mean how could how look past the Als here? The best team in the CFL with the best quarterback and an all-star studded line-up. It’s a lock, right? Maybe, maybe not. Consider that geriatric QB Anthony Calvillo has only played like a half of football in two weeks. Could be a little stiff. Consider that the Lions have the best secondary in the league. Could be a factor. Consider that the game is not at Stade Molson (it’s at Stade Olympic). Could be the jinx on the unbeaten home record this season. Consider that Lions QB Casey Printers looks like a million bucks these days. Could be the X-factor. Consider that Montreal head coach Marc Trestman is being rumoured for the Buffalo Bills gig. That could be a distraction. Consider the spread: Willing to lay down 10.5 for the visitors? Could be a factor, too. OK, not really, but for some (like me), the opportunity to make a little scratch might be the biggest pull towards the jungle cats. Look at the straight up line. It’s +375…Cha-ching! See how easy it is to talk yourself into taking the Lions? Screw you, common sense.

I’ve been to Regina a few times. I got really drunk the night before the Labour Day Classic one time. I don’t remember the details — as in what bar my friends and I were at or where we stayed — but I distinctly remember walking back to the hotel after throwing up outside the establishment. What a loser. When kick-off finally rolled around, I was still so sick that it took me a full half to find my legs. Once those were located (and the headache subsided), things in the stands quickly disintegrated into a free-for-all between the Blue Bomber supporters and the Green Rider Priders. Who would have thought peanuts would make such an effective projectile? During one exchange with some Saskatchewaners behind us, with the beers and nuts flying all around, there was a break in the action. A guy wearing a B.C. Lions jersey — correction, a super-tight B.C. Lions jersey — started walking up the stairs into our section. The warfare stopped. Someone started chanting “BEE. CEE SUCKS! BEE. CEE SUCKS!” Everyone got swept up in the altered focus, and the temporary cease-fire turned into an all out assault on this poor Lions sucker.

I also remember getting to field level during the game, too. If memory serves (and for this story, let’s just assume it does), a friend of mine wanted to follow these chicks down there. You know, chat ‘em up. Why I was included in this excursion is anyone’s guess, as I’m neither a quality wingman or person of interest to the opposite sex. But that’s not the point. We were on the sidelines! Damned if I know how we got down there and what we did when we stood at the chalk, but we were there. Interesting side note: There is no beer service on the 30-yard-line. No idea what happened with the girls. I’m guessing my friend blew it. He probably has a different account, though.

As for Sunday’s game in Regina, I will not be there. The Roughriders, hosting their first Western Final in 85 years, are three-point favourites over the defending champion Calgary Stampeders (3 p.m., TSN). With the big Coupe Grey Cup game in Cowtown later this month, there’s a lot on the line for both teams. If Calgary wins, they get the home crowd for a Grey Cup. If the Roughies comes through, they get a home crowd, too — as the entire province of Saskatchewan will fill their trucks with purple gas and make the voyage west. Maybe we can stop at the IKEA, pa? You betcha, dear.

I like the Riders. They are at home and I think Henry Burris will be running for his life all afternoon. Plus no one likes Calgary. Some friendly advice: I wouldn’t bet on this game if I were you. Especially if you’re using this preview in your information-gathering process. You’ve been warned. Besides, as most of you know, I’ll have my eyes fixed on the late afternoon draw in the NFL. I do have another Regina story, involving me freezing mt ass off at a Grey Cup game, but I’ll save that for another day. I think Baltimore won that year. I don’t remember.

Classic rock continues to take over the Friday Wrap Jam. For those in need of some lyrics (ed note — what’s wrong with you?), feel free to sing along. You should’ve seen by the look in my eyes, baby. There was something missing. You should’ve known by the tone in my voice, maybe. But you didn’t listen. You played dead, but you never bled, instead you lay still in the grass, all coiled up and hissing. And though I know all about those men, still I don’t remember. Cause it was us, baby, ready for them. And we’re still together. And I meant, every word I said when I said that I love you, I meant that I’d love you forever. And I’m gonna keep on loving you. Cause it’s the only thing I wanna do. I don’t wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on loving you.

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