the 4th star

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers board of directors meet today. One the one side, we have a case for a return to the status quo. On the other side, less of an endorsement. How the chips will fall is anyone’s guess, but the smart money is on Mike Kelly returning for a second season of internal handling and message controlling. Because you asked, here’s my Kelly forecast. I’ve never played sports at a high level so take this prediction for what it’s worth:

Kelly, singing the praises of being a new, likable version of his former self, opens camp with 12 quarterbacks, 10 of them having no CFL experience to speak of. Included in this mix is Michael Bishop. He takes the first snap of training camp and tosses it into the Hooters parking lot. Everyone comments on what a cannon he has. Kelly, who interrupts a gripping getting-coffee-for-Andy Reid story during the post-workout interview session, takes credit for Bishop’s strong arm. A minute later he apologizes. “Sorry you guys are so stupid,” he says. No one laughs. Except for ‘The Plagiarist.’ He loves to laugh. He’s laughable.

The season breaks with no legitimate CFL pivot at the helm. Everyone opens their hymn books to the verse entitled ‘We Just Want to Get Better Every Week.’ The choir sounds really good early on, as the 2009 season of practice starts to pay off. Faced with an empty stadium and an early must-win situation, the Bombers stumble out of the gate to an 0-2 record. The heat gets turned up on Kelly. He no longer answers his cell phone. In fact, he has all the phones in the Bombers offices removed. His reasoning? People are phoning just to complain — they’re not calling for tickets — so why have them? Don’t give them the option. During the explanation to reporters, an errant Bishop pass sails over the scrum. “Thank you very much, gentlemen,” Kelly says, storming out.

Winnipeg wins the next game but then fumbles through the next two, falling to 1-4 or 2-3 and last in the East Division. Cue the death march. The Bombers drop the next game, look very 2009 in the process, and that’s the ballgame. The bell sounds; Kelly’s time is up. Message boards are humming and columns are recycled. With a 1-5 (or 2-4) record and no sign of any life on offence or in the stands, the move is made by Lyle Bauer. The CEO says all the right things at the autopsy, rehashing what everyone knows about the experience and the challenges Kelly had with the public part of the gig. The next day, those comments read “It was him or me, and I have a million dollar cottage to pay for.” Kelly bites Bauers’s ankles before heading back to Philadelphia. A few days later Bauer, having taken all the pens and staplers he could find in the Bombers offices, heads to the lake for good. The ink on his resignation letter is still wet as the Harley rumble fades out of range. A week later, David Asper announces he’s not going to be taking control of the team and a new stadium will not be coming from his pockets. Twelve hours after that, the east side of the existing stadium collapses to the Earth. Though countless bottles of Appleton’s are destroyed in the fallout, the destruction is seen as an improvement by fans. Players don’t share that opinion. “The wind is playing tricks with the ball now,” Bishop says, after bouncing a pass off the front panel of a car out on Empress.

Home dogs everywhere, which should make for some interesting moneylines as the week moves on. Tampa Bay (plus eleven) versus New Orleans? Chiefs (plus ten) against the Steelers? Oakland almost a 10-point underdog against Cincinnati? St. Louis is a home dog against Arizona, too. Don’t know about you, but I’m already rolling pennies for Sunday’s games.

Cash is of no consequence for the 4th Star Suicide Pool: Zombie Edition, so the remaining players in this exercise need not worry about hitting the Money Mart before making their selections here. I’m going to go out on a limb here and try some Houston Texans this time around. Texarkana has killed several members of the suicide pool this season. I’m here to avenge those killings. Sure, Tennessee is rolling, and you would have to be a fool to bet against a rejuvenated Vince Young returning to the state where he dominated in college — against the team that passed him over in the draft — but that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Swim out past the breakers, watch the world die.

MDB and Ian (Hudsy) Hudson. Your picks in the comments.