the 4th star

All finished with the National Football Conference, so let’s look at the contenders on the other side. Lots of possibilities in the American Football Conference, perhaps speaking to the depth of quality teams. A word of warning when reading this list: The picture in the AFC North will change five more times before the end of the regular season. Proceed with caution.

AFC

Unlike the NFC, the top two teams in the conference aren’t so cut and dry. Indianapolis is the top seed, of course, but with three clubs at 7-3 anything can happen. If I had to choose right now, I’d say New England gets in as the second seed. They have the biggest lead of any of the remaining division leaders. Truth be told, I just think they’re just better than the Cincinnati Bengals and San Diego Chargers. The Bengals should win the North and the Chargers should win the West. There are your four division winners — here’s a look at the many, many contenders for the two wild card positions:

Denver Broncos
Record: 7-4
Remaining Schedule: at Kansas City; at Indy; home to Oakland; at Philly; home to Kansas City
Prognosis: Not as easy as Broncos fans would like it, I’m guessing. The road games are tough, and if they don’t win one of those, they’ll only be 9-7. That might get them in, but it’s all a question mark when you consider how many other clubs are vying for a wild card spot.
Probability of post season: A big, fat maybe.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Record: 6-4
Remaining Schedule: at Baltimore; home to Oakland; at Cleveland; home to Green Bay; home to Baltimore, at Miami
Prognosis: Take away the Oakland and Cleveland games and that’s a tough schedule, too. Makes me re-think my position on the Broncos’ chances. Depending on how Big Ben responds when he comes back, if he comes back, the Steelers should be able to get in as a wild card. Once that happens, no one will want to play them.
Probability of post season: Probably (Roethlisberger pending).

Jacksonville Jaguars
Record: 6-4
Remaining Schedule: at San Francisco; home to Houston; home to Miami; home to Indy; at New England; at Cleveland
Prognosis: If they win the games they should win, they’ll get in. The back-to-back homers against the Texans and the Dolphins will tell the tale here. If they do get in, the Jags will be the most boring team to ever make the post season.
Probability of post season: Can’t see it happening.

Baltimore Ravens
Record: 5-5
Remaining Schedule: home to Pittsburgh; at Green Bay; home to Detroit; home to Chicago; at Pittsburgh; at Oakland
Prognosis: A split with the Steelers is likely, meaning they’ll have to win in Green Bay to have a real chance. That’s not too tall of an order. I have a feeling it will come down to the Ravens and the Broncos for the final spot.
Probability of post season: Like Denver, maybe.

Houston Texans
Record: 5-5
Remaining Schedule: home to Indy; at Jacksonville; home to Seattle; at St. Louis; at Miami; home to New England
Prognosis: No chance in hell.
Probability of post season: Zero.

Miami Dolphins
Record: 5-5
Remaining Schedule: at Buffalo; home to New England; at Jacksonville; at Tennessee; home to Houston; home to Pittsburgh
Prognosis: They’ll beat the Patriots and everyone will start talking about how a late-season push is underway in South Beach. Following the pretender script, they’ll lose to Houston and Pittsburgh to close out the schedule, finishing a game out of a playoff spot. Hooray.
Probability: Probably not.

Big thanks to NCMF for the picture of Elisha Cuthbert tonight. It’s from some Coupe Grey Cup function. Before you ask, I’ve already scolded him for supplying us with one of the worst photos ever taken. It looks like a blurry picture of my aunt June. Terrific. We can certainly do better than that. I’ve put in a request for him to get a shot of her up on his broad shoulders. He’s a little leery of the request but I know he’s got it in him. This could get interesting.

UPDATE #1: According to the source, CBC vixen Krista Erickson is there. I don’t know much about Erickson, but I do know that soulless hot chicks with an agenda hate other hot chicks as a rule. The daggers must be out by now.

UPDATE #2: Regarding the lack of a follow-up pic of Elisha: “Her security guard has mean eyes, too.”

UPDATE #3: ‘Member when I said this could get interesting? I lied. Unless you consider Erickson following Cuthbert around the room as something. Of course she is. Quote: “They are both directly behind me right now.” Love it. Also thrown into the babe mix (cougar edition) is CTV’s Pamela Wallin, who apparently is sitting at Cuthbert’s table.

UPDATE #4: Still waiting on that piggy-back picture.

FINAL UPDATE: Just got word there’s no picture coming. Sadness. To cheer myself up, I’m going to assume that the bald guy next to the blonde blurry blob in the above photo is Mike Kelly and he’s being inappropriate.

“So all is not lost. It only feels like it is.”

That line pretty much sums up how things are over here regarding the New York Giants. Not great right now. The post season seems merely a dream at this point and with the way the team looked against Denver on Thursday, I have to wonder if the high point of the year was when they pounded Oakland at home in Week…well, whatever week that was. Back when they were winning, let’s just say.

Here’s Osi Umenyiora, after the Giants had the stuffing beat out of ‘em by the Broncos: “We’re not a bad team. We’re a good football team. We just played bad today. We’ll get it right. We’ll get it right.”

Seems like I’m not the only one in denial.

Though we still have games to go in Week 12 of the National Football League schedule, let’s take a look at those teams still in the mix for some playoff bravado. Before checking out the complicated American Football Conference, let’s start with the National Football Conference. Amazingly, the Giants are still among the living. Check that: It only feels like they are.

NFC

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings have earned the first round byes. Arizona has a three-game lead over San Francisco in the West division, so they look pretty good, and despite with the Philadelphia Eagles (and NYG) do, the Dallas Cowboys should be able to hang on and claim the East. Even though they are based out of Texas. Whatever. The wild card contenders:

Green Bay Packers
Record: 7-4
Remaining schedule: home to Baltimore; at Chicago; at Pittsburgh; home to Seattle; at Arizona.
Prognosis: Though the records of the opponents might not show it, that’s a tough schedule. The only gimmie there is the Seattle game. They’ll need to win the home games and grab that Chicago game to get in.
Probability of post season: Probably.

Philadelphia Eagles
Record: 6-4
Remaining Schedule: home to Washington; at Atlanta; at NYG, home to San Fran; home to Denver; at Dallas
Prognosis: Considering that they’ve split with the G-Men and Cowboys already, a lot depends on their remaining division games. The game in Georgia is no picnic, either. If they take care of business at home, they should get in. Fortunately, for Eagles-haters like myself, those games against the 49ers and Broncos will feature desperate visitors.
Probability of post season: Probably.

NYG
Record: 6-5
Remaining Schedule: home to Dallas; home to Philly; at Washington; home to Carolina; at Minnesota
Prognosis: Need to win four of these games. Beating Dallas and Philly would certainly help things right off the bat. If they can still keep the season meaningful by the time they get to Carolina, I’d be thrilled.
Probability of post season: All signs point to FUCK!

Atlanta Falcons
Record: 5-5
Remaining Schedule: home to Tampa Bay; home to Philly; home to New Orleans; at NY Jets; home to Buffalo; at Tampa Bay
Prognosis: Are you kidding me? Tampa Bay twice! The Saints game is tough and the Eagles offer no chance to rest, so the Bucs double header tied to a bad Bills team and an inconsistent Jets squad could put things to nine wins. That’s not going to be enough.
Probability of post season: Probably not.

1. Saskatchewan fans will be annoying leading up to and during the game. Not the usual annoyance that we’re all used to, but a hyped-up, watermelon-fueled level of farm-implement bother that will turn any good-natured Canadian soul into a jealous ball of rage. We get it. You like your team.

2. Dave Randorf will be stuffed into a mailbox during the Saturday night festivities.

3. Montreal will have no fans at the game. A few Canadiens jerseys will pop up over the weekend, but there won’t be any Quebec presence to speak of. When asked about the lack of crowd support before kick-off, Alouettes coach Marc Trestman says he’ll be looking for the “French-speaking contingent of Calgary” to be with his club. Following the interview, a reporter tells him he’s in Alberta.

4. By request, the DJ puts on some Nickelback at one of the Rider parties. Everyone in attendance knows the words. Colin James storms out in a huff.

5. Back to TSN. Matt Dunigan tapes a sit-down interview with Mike Kelly to be shown during the 19 hours of pre-game the national network has planned. In it, Dunigan asks Kelly to marry him. The Bombers coach starts to cry. In tears, Kelly tells his former quarterback that he needs to phone Andy Reid to give him the good news. The two hug again. With the cameras rolling, ‘The Plagiarist’ waddles onto the set and consoles them both. He then pulls out a piece of paper and reads about the virtues of lost loves finding each other again. Turns out he lifted a speech from a wedding in the hotel he was staying in. A poorly-worded speech, too.

6. All of the chicks in Calgary are wearing green. Upon further inspection, however, it seems none of them are in town for the game. Everyone knows that when a Saskatchewan girl comes of age she moves to Alberta to find a job. Three years later, after barely making ends meet with their over-priced apartment costs and deadbeat boyfriend who wants to open his own tattoo parlour, they quit working at Chili’s and move back to Moose Jaw.

7. I will be watching one of these games instead. Not really a prediction, more of a fact.

8. TSN again. When discussing the pressures and spotlight the players will face, Milt Stegall will say something about his vast Coupe Grey Cup experience. Laughter ensues across the country. In classic 85 form, Stegall goes after Randorf — the smallest guy in the room.

9. TSN one last time. Jock Climie, Schultz, and Darren Dutchyschen are feeling it this weekend. A three-way bet on who will land Elisha Cuthbert is made. Climie looks to have the inside track as Schultz gets distracted by an arm wrestling contest at Cowboys and ‘Dutchie’ passes out after three MGDs. The former receiver blows it though when he starts talking down to her in that dick-ish way he has about him.

10. Jim Cuddy gets so much action during the week he forgets to show up at half-time. Greg Keelor is livid at yet another perceived slight by the more-popular Cuddy, and announces that Blue Rodeo is breaking up before they’re scheduled to play. Desperate for a half-time act, organizers throw in some Nickelback.

11. Saskatchewan hangs tough for the first 20 minutes, but Montreal proves to be too deep in the critical areas. The Als win 42-32, setting off the expected riot in Cowtown. Actually, the rioting would happen if the Roughriders win. Either way, TSN decides to keep the cameras rolling as the Calgary burns, giving Canada an early birthday present and making us all feel good about ourselves. In a related story, Pierre McGuire is seen throwing wet towels on Dion Phaneuf’s house. The things we do for love.

12. In the Coupe Earl Grey Cup, played right after the game in the Winnipeg darkness, yours truly steps in a hole on the schoolyard turf and is on the shelf for the next six weeks. On second thought, maybe I’ll just tune into the Steelers-Ravens at the local watering hole.

“What the fuck is this shit?”

- James Franco, at home watching the Coupe Grey Cup (1975).

If you can believe it, last night was the first time I saw Billy Bragg live. Four or five songs at the Winnipeg Folk Festival fundraiser, played to a diverse and appreciative crowd who collectively knew the words to the songs. Or at least it appeared that way. Weird. Never would have guessed the magnitude of reach attained by Bragg but lo and behold, here we are today with the Friday Wrap Jam. Understated and impressive, I have to say.

On an unrelated note, please stop e-mailing me about the Giants. I know they’re shitty and I don’t know what happened this season. Run the ball, control the game. Simple math.

The suicide pool is dead. Long live the suicide pool!

As mentioned earlier this week, there are still six weeks left (plus the post season) to go in the National Football League season. For some who follow an actual team like the New York Giants, San Diego Chargers, or the Pittsburgh Steelers, the interest in the coming weeks remains high. Wildcard positions and division titles are still available. People with a horse in the race have no reason to look elsewhere. In fact, and I’m speaking from experience here, those of us hanging on every down are looking for even more from our football weekends. That’s just how it is — when things are going good, or even when hope continues to spring into December — the more discussion about the NFL the better.

We are now entering uncharted territory. The 2009 4th Star Suicide Pool, a disaster of an idea that has died TWICE in the first eleven weeks of the season, is back for one sweet breath, one last caress. Amazingly, I have real doubts that we can sustain this thing until the Super Bowl. Even the New Year looks like a reach. As terrible as our football prognostication is, let’s give ‘er a go one more time. Round Three. The Final Countdown.

I guess there is no one to blame, we’re leaving ground
(leaving ground).
Will things ever be the same again?
(music) Denh-denh denh-denh deeenh
It’s the final countdown!

Given the short stretch of schedule we’re working with, rules must be put into place to ensure we all don’t take the Vikings this weekend. Last time around, four teams were off the market and I thought it worked pretty good. People had to actually look at the schedule and think about their picks. For this edition, we’ll do the same thing — only we’ll throw a couple more contenders on the ‘Do Not Take’ list. The teams off limits are:

New Orleans Saints
Indianapolis Colts
Minnesota Vikings
New England Saints Patriots
San Diego Chargers
Cincinnati Bengals

You may notice the Denver Broncos are back in play again. I suggest you take them this week. Be my guest. I was going to throw the Dallas Cowboys on the list, too, but I figure they’ll take themselves out of the picture with December coming up. I’ll start things off here. Thanks to the Falcons important role in righting the Giants ship last week, I’ll pay my respects by taking Atlanta to beat the curious Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday.

Now it’s your turn. Put your picks in the comments and show everyone how smart you are. And remember: No one has won taking the Texans this season.

It must be Grey Cup week, as the newspaper polls are out in full force. First, the Sunshine put forth their annual ‘You Be the Boss’ questionnaire, asking Blue Bomber fans to rate all of the players and the moves made by the organization this past season. Yesterday, a few Canwest family members released the annual Calgary Herald/Winnipeg Free Press media poll on their websites, all framed with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers being the biggest story of the season. For all the wrong reasons, of course. Among the notable selections in the poll was the standing of head coach Mike Kelly. Combative and questionable player decisions? Can’t wait ’till next year!

In the spirit of the local pollstars, I’ve decided to come up with my own Mike Kelly/Blue Bombers questionnaire.

Question 1 — You’re Mike Kelly. It’s second and long. What do you do?
a) Punt.
b) Run the ball into the backs of your offensive linemen.
c) Call Andy Reid.
d) Or Joe Gibbs.
e) Or Brad Childress.
f) All of the above.

Question 2 — Which statement is true?
a) Michael Bishop has a cannon for an arm, but struggles with his accuracy.
b) Michael Bishop once killed an old lady in the fifth row from an errant throw.
c) Michael Bishop counts interceptions as completions.
d) There is no football question that has Michael Bishop as the answer.
e) All of the above.

Question 3 — Complete this sentence: Mike Kelly stopped taking calls on his radio show because…
a) Lyle Bauer didn’t want him calling fans ‘idiots.’
b) The Board of Directors didn’t want him calling fans ‘idiots.’
c) He didn’t want his daughter hearing people calling him an idiot.
d) He couldn’t come up for another word for ‘idiot.’
e) There are too many idiots out there.
f) All of the above.

Question 4 — How does Mike Kelly like his pasta?
a) Saucy!
b) Incomplete.
c) Raw.
d) Inconsistent.
e) He only eats cheesesteaks from Pat’s or Gino’s.

Question 5 — True or false: Third-string QB Stefan LeFors was put in an impossible position by Mike Kelly.
a) True
b) True
c) All of the above

Question 6 — According to Mike Kelly, what should a CFL coach be measured on?
a) Wins.
b) Making the playoffs.
c) Developing a quarterback.
d) Improvements made from week to week.
e) Providing an entertaining product.
f) None of the above.

Question 7 — Mike Kelly deserves a second year as the Blue Bombers head coach because…
a) He’s built up previously poor areas of the club, like the secondary and special teams.
b) Most players are locked up for 2010, so the foundation has been set for success in Year Two.
c) Even Jeff Reinebold made it to a second season!
d) He’s got a real good group of men in the room.
e) Definitely ‘d.’

Question 8 — Some guy dressed as Hulk Hogan made some news after assaulting a police officer in the final game of the season. If Mike Kelly was a wrestler, which one would he be?
a) Baron von Raschke.
b) Big Boss Man.
c) The Undertaker.
d) Mr. Perfect.
e) The Ultimate Warrior
f) Iron Mike Sharpe
g) The Big Show
h) Ravishing Rick Rude
i) I could do this all day.

Question 9 — Who was the target for Doug Brown’s sorrow this season?
a) The fans.
b) The city.
c) All of the above.

Question 10 — What should be the Blue Bombers marketing slogan next season?
a) “Grey Skies Are Going to Clear Up (we mean it this time).”
b) “Unfinished Business”
c) “Going Out of Business”
d) “Expectations Lead to Disappointments.”
e) “Will the Last One to Leave Please Turn the Lights Off and Lock the Door.”
f) “Laughter is the Best Medicine.”
g) “Free Beer.”
h) Again, I could do this all day

Wikipedia:

Marshal (also sometimes spelled marshall in American English and considered by some to be erroneous, but not in British English) is a word used in several official titles of various branches of society. The word derives from Old High German marah “horse” and schalh “servant,” and originally meant “stable keeper.” As marshals became trusted members of the courts of Medieval Europe, the title grew in reputation. During the last few centuries, it has been used for the most elevated offices. The American English spelling of the name (“Marshall”) is often confused with the spelling of the title (“Marshal”). It is approximate to the position of Constable, of similar etymology, Latin comes stabuli (count of the stables).

Huh? OK, further down the page we find our answer:

The term is still used in modern pageantry; for example, the grand marshal of a parade is often an honored guest or dignitary.

And there you have it. Good luck, Elisha Cuthbert. I wonder if she’s related to Chris Cuthbert, the TSN play-by-play man. I can’t believe I never thought of that before. This is also the first time I’ve noticed that Elisha has the first name of a certain New York Giants quarterback that I’m currently crushing on. Again, how could I not see that? It’s like I never gave any attention to her name before. What could possibly distract me?

Oh.

The simple solution is to phone in sick. I don’t think I can come in today, I’m not feeling well. Don’t just make the cold call. Be smart about it. Lay the ground work today and tomorrow — a little cough here, a ‘God, I feel awful’ there — and then attempt the move Thursday morning. Make sure you use the ‘I’m sick’ voice when you talk to the boss. Very important. If you really want to sell it hard, drop in an H1N1 reference or two. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, this needs to be handled delicately.

Why the caution, you ask? Well, even the most oblivious and self-involved managers will know what’s up. It’s Thanksgiving in the U.S. and that means football. Lots of football. Two games in the afternoon, and one prime time match-up to send you to bed. It’s a perfect day — there’s no Sunday guilt about not raking the leaves or cleaning the gutters or doing whatever needs to be done around the yard. Besides, you’re sick. Best you just lay on the couch and try to get some rest. And remember to drink lots of fluids. I would start with beer and then drift into the hard stuff towards sundown. This way you’ll still be relatively alert during the daylight hours — just in case the office calls or sends a car to check on you. You don’t want to be caught healthy. Or drunk.

For those above the 49th who love the four-down game but don’t wish to put their employment in jeopardy, the day is tricky to navigate and requires some foresight. Get into work early. If you have a television near your desk — great. Grab the remote early and make your calls in the morning. If there’s a break-room with the game on — save your breaks and lunch for later in the day, when Green Bay extends their lead to four scores over the Lions. If neither of those gridiron escapes look promising, then you’ll have to go to Plan B. Get out of the office in the afternoon. Give the illusion that all of your work needs to be done off-site. Schedule a meeting at 2 p.m. And another at three. Convince that client who loves the Cowboys to meet you at Earls. Not only will you get to watch the Raiders keep the game close until the final minutes, but you can also expense the lunch (and drinks — wink, wink).

Watch yourself with the booze, though. You don’t want to phone in sick on Friday, too.

One other thing: ALWAYS check the NFL schedule before the season starts. Like, as soon as it comes out, study it and remember the dates. This way, you’ll avoid agreeing to a dinner at the exact same time your New York Giants are playing in Denver. Not that I’m speaking from experience. That would never happen over here.