the 4th star

Umm. It’s probably a bad sign — or maybe that’s a much-needed sign — when you open your account and read that there’s an important message to you. Said message is as follows:

Hi Wazoo

(We) are supporting Industry Responsible Gambling Awareness Day.  For the vast majority gambling is a safe, harmless entertainment and leisure activity.  (We) want all our customers to gamble responsibly and we provide customers with a range of options to help in this regard.   Full details of these can be found in the Responsible Gambling link in the Services section on the left hand side of our home page.   Alternatively, customers can contact us and one of our team will be pleased to explain the options available.

Kind regards, (people who take your money)

Great. Even the Internet is noticing how bad I am at picking games. Hopefully this doesn’t get back to my mother. She won’t be impressed. No matter, though. I will forge ahead and vanquish the doubters. In true Dr. Z form (God, I miss reading Zimmerman’s stuff — so crotchety, so Jerricho Cotchery!) I will not be deterred by all this negativity. It only makes me stronger. Let’s take a look at where the Sunday frustration will come from. I’m dubbing this edition ‘Betting on Useless Teams I Fuckin’ Can’t Stand Week.’ Let’s see what looks good…

Green Bay at Cleveland
Browns plus-9
It’s Mangini Time! Am I really picking the Browns? Jesus. Maybe something will happen in Cleveland and they’ll have to take this game off the board. Like, wipe it right off the schedule. Only a natural disaster can save this selection. Maybe I should re-read the above letter again. Industry Responsible Gambling Awareness Day, eh? Looks like I’m clear. Taking the Browns is clearly irresponsible.

Atlanta at Dallas
Falcons plus-4
What this line tells me is that Vegas thinks the Cowboys are pretty good. Where they’re getting that from is anyone’s guess. I hate to say this, as my unsubstantiated Atlanta hate nearly rivals that of Dallas and Philadelphia, but the Falcons looked pretty solid to me Sunday night. They were like a cat and the Bears were like a string. This one seems to obvious to me. Uh-oh.

Minnesota at Pittsburgh
Vikings plus 5.5
Here’s how I see this game playing out. The Steelers up by seven with just a minute left to play. Brett Favre, he of the three interception afternoon looks tired. He may be hurt, but don’t you worry your pretty little head about ‘ol Brett. He’s a gun slinger. They were born hurt. The future liability marches the ball down against the soft Steelers secondary, getting the Purple to the 25-yard line. But there’s only seconds left. As I scream at my TV for them to kick the field goal and cover the spread, Favre blows a tire on the wheelchair and fumbles the ball trying to create just a few more seconds. A Pittsburgh defender picks it up and runs it back for a TD with no time left. A pick-up-six. Spread cover denied. Blood pressure levels ozone. Rum bottle hollow.