the 4th star

This past summer has been all about the money. There was the unrestricted free agent *frenzy.* That was around the same time the Phoenix Coyotes financial problems came into the spotlight, when BlackBerry billionaire Jim Balsillie threw his two cents into the fray and the league kept talking out of both sides of its mouth. You know, the place they seem reluctant to put their money in.

Screwed up contracts — both legitimate Chicago fuck-ups and the over-spending variety — became commonplace, and some players decided to gamble on the bigger payday in Russia. Terms like “escrow” and “cap numbers” came to be a part of the conversation, too. Then there was even more change — and even less sense — from Patrick Kane, who allegedly tag-teamed a Buffalo cab driver with his cousin over 20 cents.

It seems talk of climbing out of this recession has put money on the mind and our mind on the money, so in the spirit of cash, let’s take a look at all 21 teams 30 teams as training camps get set to fire up this month. Like most financial ventures, some teams will offer a greater return than others.

VANCOUVER CANUCKS

Northwest Division
2008-09 record: 45-27-10, first in the division, third in the conference
Cap space: $2.790 million

Tip sheet:
Thank God the Sedins signed this summer. The Plan B patchwork job would have depressed me to no end…GM Mike Gillis has done a nice job, but he seems to be interested in just adding complementary pieces rather than a foundation block. I wonder if he’ll be a little gun-shy when it’s time to blow it up…Throw Roberto Luongo in the Team Canada net right now. With last year’s lessons learned, he will be the MVP this season…Now that Jannik Hansen has a broken hand, I guess he’s not coming to Manitoba…Head coach Alain Vigneault drinks red wine…I own 12 Canucks jerseys…Trevor Linden is contemplating a comeback with the New York Islanders. Next season, he’s planning to join the Minnesota Wild — but not until camp is over.

Fun fact:
The poor Vancouver newspaper people never saw Cody Hodgson’s demotion coming. And now the city might fall into the ocean!

You should really invest in this club because…
They are almost a lock to be the late game on Saturday night.

The bottom will fall out with…
An uninspiring defence. Sorry, Kevin Bieksa. You’re not as good as your confidence suggests. I wasn’t happy with his game last season. Second place goes to that Demitra guy. I think I just hurt my shoulder typing that. Four-to-six weeks!

Key acquisition:
Unreasonable expectations from a knee-jerk fan base. And pressure to win. Lots of pressure.

Bottom line:
Everyone’s darkhorse this year. Terrific. What’s that about the city falling into the ocean?

This past summer has been all about the money. There was the unrestricted free agent *frenzy.* That was around the same time the Phoenix Coyotes financial problems came into the spotlight, when BlackBerry billionaire Jim Balsillie threw his two cents into the fray and the league kept talking out of both sides of its mouth. You know, the place they seem reluctant to put their money in.

Screwed up contracts — both legitimate Chicago fuck-ups and the over-spending variety — became commonplace, and some players decided to gamble on the bigger payday in Russia. Terms like “escrow” and “cap numbers” came to be a part of the conversation, too. Then there was even more change — and even less sense — from Patrick Kane, who allegedly tag-teamed a Buffalo cab driver with his cousin over 20 cents.

It seems talk of climbing out of this recession has put money on the mind and our mind on the money, so in the spirit of cash, let’s take a look at all 21 teams 30 teams as training camps get set to fire up this month. Like most financial ventures, some teams will offer a greater return than others.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

Northeast Division
2008-09 record: 34-35-13, last in the division, twelfth in the conference
Cap space: $0.612 million

Tip sheet:
Following the departure of Mats Sundin, Bob Cole was named honourary captain of this historic franchise. He held that post until Don Cherry complained to CBC management. Grapes, who still hasn’t got over the loss of Darcy Tucker, is now the leader of this sinking ship…Brian Burke is realizing that if the TSN people like what you’re doing, you must be doing something wrong…Ron Wilson invented the game of hockey. His sarcasm and constant eye-rolling proves it. Did he and that oh-so-negative Jermaine Franklin kiss and make up yet?

Fun fact:
According to the team, the blue on the jersey represents the Canadian skies and white represents snow.

You should really invest in this club because…
You’ve emptied your portfolio for season tickets. So yeah, you really have invested in this team. Sorry about your wife leaving you…

The bottom will fall out with…
Trying to patch holes with unproven commodities. Tyler Bozak, Christian Hanson, and Jonas Gustavsson will make the Marlies a better team — maybe not right away — but they will.

Key acquisition:
Phil Kessel cost Burke two first rounders and a second rounder. The Bruins should be in good shape for the next 15 years.

Bottom line:
Everyone thought they’d be terrible, but they finished a game above .500 last season. This time around, there’s optimism everywhere. Uh-oh. Ah, who cares…?

To: the 4th star
From: Brian
Subject: your an idiot

hey wazoo this team has turned the corner. michael bishop played like he can and looks to be the real deal now so when are you “media” guys goiing (sic) to stop crapping on Kelly and figure out he’s all he needed was a little more time. our defence is getting better and our offence has a chance now. wit (sic) reid and bishop we have hope. more than that we are going to make the playoffs this year and surprise people. THIS TEAM IS PRIME YOU WILL EAT YOUR WORDS

—–

What’s amazing about this email, and there’s a lot to celebrate there, is that it was one of about a half-dozen I received on Sunday and Monday. One guy wanted me to admit I was wrong about Mike Kelly. Another guy told me to suspend operations on this thing, as I “didn’t know what I was talking about.” Well, no argument there. That’s usually how I preface most posts. And thanks for reading!

Let’s all put down our drinks and read carefully: The Winnipeg Blue Bombers are a 4-8 team. Two of those wins have come over the Toronto Argonauts, who sit in the CFL basement with a 3-9 record. Those two wins could have easily been two losses, as the total margin of victory was just six points. Winnipeg’s quarterback, Damon Allen Michael Bishop, not only capitalizes the first letter of both his given and surname, he also is an unreliable pivot who will do just enough to keep the other team in the game. How is that touchdown to interception ratio, by the way?

Look. I know it’s been a long season, Bomber fans. I get it. I’m a recovering Vancouver Canucks fan — so I know about losing seasons. Any win, doesn’t matter who it is against, is going to provide a sense of euphoria and a bout of baseless, irrational thought and predictable column about a trip to Safeway. But let’s not lose sight of the facts as they appear in the standings and stats packages. The Blue Bombers are a terrible team. Outside of having the game handed to them by Calgary at the start of the season, they have not even competed with a quality rival to this point. Does anyone, and I mean ANYONE, think the Bombers will win the Grey Cup this season? Before you say ‘This is the CFL, anything can happen’ — don’t. Just don’t. Giving the CFL as much credibility as the lottery is an insult to lotteries everywhere.

Sigh.

Is anyone listening out there? Hello? Anyone…

This past summer has been all about the money. There was the unrestricted free agent *frenzy.* That was around the same time the Phoenix Coyotes financial problems came into the spotlight, when BlackBerry billionaire Jim Balsillie threw his two cents into the fray and the league kept talking out of both sides of its mouth. You know, the place they seem reluctant to put their money in.

Screwed up contracts — both legitimate Chicago fuck-ups and the over-spending variety — became commonplace, and some players decided to gamble on the bigger payday in Russia. Terms like “escrow” and “cap numbers” came to be a part of the conversation, too. Then there was even more change — and even less sense — from Patrick Kane, who allegedly tag-teamed a Buffalo cab driver with his cousin over 20 cents.

It seems talk of climbing out of this recession has put money on the mind and our mind on the money, so in the spirit of cash, let’s take a look at all 21 teams 30 teams as training camps get set to fire up this month. Like most financial ventures, some teams will offer a greater return than others.

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Southeast Division
2008-09 record: 24-40-18, last in the division, fourteenth in the conference
Cap space: $8.158 million

Tip sheet:
I  hate to say it, but I don’t actually mind the make-up of this team. Their defence is competent and the first two lines up front have talent up the wazoo. That’s right I just said that…Does Martin St. Louis still use that giant stick?…Sticking with St. Louis, I find it incredible that the St. Louis Blues haven’t made a deal for this guy…According to reports from the exhibition game in Winnipeg, Ryan Malone was the best player on the ice. Not surprising, considering he took last year off.

Fun fact:
This may come as a shock, but the Tampa Bay Lightning Energy Team is electrifying.

You should really invest in this club because…
Victor Hedman. He’ll suck this year, sure, but this guy is going to be a stud in seasons to come. Full marks to the Lightning for bringing in Mattias Ohlund to show this kid the ropes. Ohlund never reached the stud status he was projected to hit, but he is a time-eater back there.

The bottom will fall out with…
Mike Smith and Antero Niittymaki are the goaltending duo. Moving on…

Key acquisition:
It’s Ohlund, but let’s not overlook the Alex Tanguay addition. He might be taking a page from the Book of Lecavalier — no pressure in a non-hockey market.

Bottom line:
Ownership posturing has killed this team. Gary Bettman’s next fire to put out.