the 4th star

The above picture will be my Sunday.
Minus the surfboard and aging celebrity status, of course.
Skating without shoes is just ridiculous, too.
And I also will probably find the time to throw a tee on before heading out.
I don’t know.
Maybe that’s just me.

Friday, Aug. 15, 2009
Barrin Simpson, prior to the game with the Montreal Alouettes…

“This is big. We need it. We NEED this football game… bad. Put it this way: On a scale of one to 10 for desperation, this one is like a 9 1/2. We want to get to 4-4 before our break. And so we’ve got to go to work. We could be sitting really good if we could get to 4-4 before our break.”

Friday, Aug. 21, 2009
Barrin Simpson, prior to tonight’s game with the B.C. Lions…

“In my mind, every game is a must-win. I like to win,” stated Simpson, turned out in a black suit that he said was his “business attire for a business trip, because I mean business. It’s a game we definitely need. No doubt about it, we need to go out there and play well and get a W. It’s really very simple. When it’s your turn to make a play, make the play. We need to execute and make plays.”

Thursday, Aug. 27, 2009
Barrin Simpson, prior to having the weekend off as the Bombers enjoy their bye-week…

“HUGE. That’s how I would describe this coming weekend. Must-huge. We can’t afford to relax but we need to relax. Whether that’s going home to spend time with your family or heading to the cabin for some fishing, it’s all about doing your job. Find a couch and lay it. We can’t afford to let another week go by stuck in neutral. It’s time to step up and show we’re men. No passengers. NO PASSENGERS!”

At the end of the night, Beau and Kevin moved the coffee table over to the far wall, folded out the convertible and held each other close as their tiny apartment fell silent. Their drunken fog kept them nice and warm. Even with the windows open to the cool city breath.

Veronica, trouble from the start, was left to her own devices. Ignoring the countless cabs that buzzed across and alongside her path, she rode her leather boots and increasing sexual frustration right into the small dive near her place, wondering what Kevin could possibly see in that little twerp.

As she re-applied her lip gloss and gave herself the usual pep-talk in the disgusting washroom before heading out the door with another nameless but willing stranger, she remembered she had to open the Starbucks in the morning. Kevin wasn’t coming in until eleven. With no Beau to steal the attention of the room, the coffee counter would be another chance to find that spark.

She knows it’s there. She knows it.

Veronica stared into her bathroom mirror the next morning. Her latest sexual outlet unsatisfying and removed from the scene, she understood the issue with the Friday Wrap Jam. Hearts don’t get broken, it’s the unrequited love that’s the problem. It takes over your life. That night at the post-exam week party? It meant everything to her, playing in her mind over and over again. To him — who knows? He’s just confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. Beau is just a delay, Veronica reminds herself. No matter that the trio is seven years out of college and all of their friends have moved on to families.

Settling wasn’t her bag, anyway. Veronica still wanted to travel. She wanted something more than suburbia. Not getting drunk with Kevin and his boyfriend at 3:30 in the morning, of course, but that will have to do for now. For some it’s the price in finding Mr. Right.

Damn, she says to herself in the mirror, I should’ve kissed him at the end of the solo last night.

That wasn’t the endgame. Not even close. Veronica has had her fair share of casual encounters in the past seven years, but she knows what she’s doing. Love will conquer all, she thought. Confidence is key and another chance always presents itself. Yes, things will be different Saturday night. The three of them are going out to that new club on the west side and she has a dress that is going to knock Kevin’s socks off. He’ll come around.

She knows it. She knows it.

I’ve decided to simplify my weekly Winnipeg Blue Bomber game preview posts. They were getting too complicated and people were having a hard time grasping the concept. But it’s not the readers, it’s the words on the page. My words. It’s funny, I’ve seen these words and sentences work a thousand time. But we’ll work together and keep at it, though. The posts are such delicate mechanisms, that even the slightest of variation in off-time will throw the whole thing out of whack. Plus, to be perfectly honest with you guys, not many readers understand it. I may have to consider sitting a few of you down for a post or two. Or maybe I’ll have to bring in a journeyman reader — you know, one with a cannon for sarcasm — to direct this thing. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. And no! I will not be asking for help with future posts! Get that out of your head right now!

Winnipeg Blue Bombers (2-5) at B.C. Lions (3-4)
TSN, 680 CJOB
Friday, 9:30  p.m.

1. Who’s in and who’s out?
Receiver Terrence Edwards (turf toe) is in. DL Dorian Smith (shoulder) is out. Same with safety Ian Logan (groin). After missing a handful of games with a sore foot, the Bombers best defensive player, Siddeeq Shabazz, is expected back on the field. He won’t line-up in his usual linebacker spot, though. He’ll replace Logan.

2. Is it now or never for Damon Allen Michael Bishop?
Yes, yes, and yes. Bringing in a guy who was already jettisoned by two teams was an act of pure desperation by head coach Mike Kelly. We’re now three games into the life preserver and things are still not approaching the surface. Kelly can no longer wait. Some improvement needs to be shown by either Bishop or Stefan LeFors — period. Forget about the scheme; things for the Bombers (and Kelly) don’t get any more simpler than that.

3. What happens during the bye-week?
Win or lose, the Bombers are looking at an extra week off before the Labour Day Classic in Regina. Kelly will head home to Philadelphia, where there isn’t any pressure to win apparently, while players will enjoy some time away from the field and the media. Will there be some roster movement during that time? Probably. NFL camps are just starting to thin their ranks, meaning a few players should be heading up to Canada soon. GM John Murphy has been hiding since the Hamilton scout incident scouring the NFL countryside for talent. Should be a few new bodies in Winnipeg by this time next week.

The message boards are buzzing following Friesen’s column today, a piece out-lining the pay cut Winnipeg Blue Bombers quarterback Stefan LeFors “agreed to” after not delivering on head coach Mike Kelly’s promises through the first third of the season.

The Sun has learned the Bombers took the unusual step of clawing back $60,000 of LeFors’ salary — cutting it from $150,000 to $90,000 — when he became the backup to Michael Bishop. Two sources said LeFors was basically given an ultimatum: take the pay cut, or be released, outright.

Blammo!

LeFors, from all accounts a down-to-Earth guy, didn’t sound like he was given much choice to do the unthinkable and re-negotiate his contract DURING THE SEASON.

“They didn’t put me in the best position,” LeFors told the Sun. “But when I feel like I have a gun to my head, what am I going to do?”

Everyone knows football contracts are not guaranteed and too often we read about players holding out from existing deals following a good showing the year before, but for a club to basically tell a guy that either he can make a lessor amount or look for work elsewhere is dirty pool. Or maybe this is just a precedent setting move. I mean, shouldn’t the Bombers brass have their deals re-worked now that the team is 2-5 and in serious peril of missing the post season?

Either way, it should help the Bombers attract quality free agents next off-season.

After ignoring a 25 year layoff, with three of those spent begging to play, I have decided to make a triumphant return to the beautiful game. In a stunning act of charity, the Crescentwood Saturday Soccer Club has done the unthinkable and allowed me to play with them in the Winnipeg Soccer Division this summer. If I can score one goal this year, I’d be pretty happy. Judging from my inconsistent play, my teammates would be equally ecstatic, too. Here’s the weekly update:

Let me set the scene for you.

At around noon yesterday, I decided to make a list. Pouring through the emails from the various team members, I started to tick off the players who would be making the hour-long drive to Steinbach for the game. By my count, I had 11 players, making me the 12th guy. It was a perfect situation, I thought. I would be a sub, allowing me to spell a few guys as I nurse my quad injury back to the land of the un-limped.

So I made the trip. It was worth it.

Upon arrival, it was clear that we would only have 11 men (including myself), as one of our trusted midfielders was out with an Achilles problem. That meant I had to step in for the full 90 — a task that I wasn’t really confident in performing.

Here’s the problem with my leg: The quad muscle feels like it wants to rip away from the bone when flexed doing things like running, turning, or kicking. Thankfully, none of these actions apply to my soccer style, so I fished one of those useless knee sleeves out of my bag, pulled it right up my leg to keep the muscle tightly wrapped, and hobbled around the pitch, up front on the right side.

The mighty CSSC (5-4-4) took it to the Hanover Sting (2-11-0) early and often, jumping out to a quick 3-0 lead thanks to so excellent possession and some heady play from our centre-mid, DK. It may have actually been 4-0 at the break. Not sure. All I know is I had about five chances to score (like on clear shots and breakaways) and I still couldn’t find the range. At one point, I wondered to myself if the Sting made a strategic decision to not mark me. Maybe they saw me limping around and didn’t figure I would be a threat.

*Yeah, like they’re the first team to figure that out.*

The second half featured a better push from the home side, but they couldn’t find the range, either. The final 45 minutes did, however, feature a monumental moment in the sporting career of yours truly.

The ball makes its way up the pitch to one of our sure-footed mids. He spots two players running into open space, past their defenders and ready for to receive a pass. DK and myself. The right choice is made, and DK gets the ball. Taking it hard to the net, he unleashes a shot. The keeper makes the save, but the ball gets away from his reach, giving DK and the defender a second chance. DK takes out the keeper and the defender in his leap for the airborne prize, allowing the ball the bounce down to the goal line.

Here’s where the preamble at the start of these posts comes into play.

No. 15 (me) is johnny on the spot. Seizing the opportunity (and still trying to forget the time where I put a different ball which was on a different goal line in a different game OVER THE NET), I tap the ball into the netting — through the legs of DK (of course), who was still wrapping up his train wreck.

Forget those dreams of hitting a nice ball from the top of the box into the corner of the net. Forget that one dream I had the other night where I took a ball off my chest and quickly flipped it into the net before it hit the ground. Forget that it was my 10th chance of the game. I’m terrible. It was a fitting first goal in this beautiful game, one that I beat into the cage with an ugly stick.

Something I’m not proud of: Throwing my hands up in the air. I quickly lowered them, but I did it. I remember doing that. Shit, what a loser. Excited, but still a loser. Something even better than that: An exuberant DK lifting me up off the ground. That really happened. We rule. It was like a scene right out of Ladybugs. Have I mentioned that the score was 5-0 at the time? The referee asked me what the deal was. I told him I suck at soccer.

It only took 16 games for me to score. According the schedule, we have five left. But the monkey is off the back, the formula now set: Give me 10 chances a game, with one of those consisting of the ball on the goal line and the keeper out of position, and I’m going to score.

John David Booty stormed out of the Minnesota Vikings practice facility in Eden Prairie, Minn. after the afternoon workout.

“Total bullshit,” he mumbled to reporters before settling into the bench at the bus stop just outside the building. “I don’t know what I am going to do now.

“What time is it?”

Booty was upset following news that he gave up his No. 4 jersey to the Vikings newest starting quarterback, Brett Favre. In a change of pace for the ol’ gunslinger, Favre changed his mind from the first time he changed his mind (between the time he second-guessed and wasn’t sure) and decided to come back to the NFL.

“I knew it was a bad sign when we had waffles for breakfast this morning,” Booty said, digging in his pockets for bus fare. “He didn’t even offer me any dough for (the number). They just took it off my back. At least give me a watch or something.

“I mean, the guy is older than Father Time.”

Favre will be 40-years-old on Oct. 10, the same day he’s scheduled to go on injury reserve.

Not funny is the amount of money Favre stands to make before moving onto the Oakland Raiders next season. ESPN reports a $10-12 million deal for the career numbers, though salary total has been reported for his diminished skills.

The Vikings desperation prompted one member of the Minnesota media to utter:

“This has Herschel Walker written all over it — minus the draft picks and bobsled, of course.”

Booty will wear No. 9 with the Vikings now, and should still find himself on the roster as the third string quarterback. Look for Tavaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels — who was brought in during the off-season to be the potential starter — to be released before the season starts.

Said Booty of the new number:

“This isn’t hockey. Nine sucks. Here’s my bus, guys…”

In a related story, followers of the Chicago Bears are dancing in the streets.

Up in Winnipeg, Canada, some eight hours north of the Twin Cities, Manitoba Moose chairman Mark Chipman and Shaw-TV sports guy Jim Toth — both grizzled Bears fans — were celebrating at the corner of Portage and Main, having wrapped up a NFC North division title already.

—-

NOTE: I had Favre signing with the Vikings after the third pre-season contest, so even I was guilty of giving him the benefit of doubt. What a mistake by Minnesota. You know it’s bad when ESPN’s Chris Carter and SI’s Peter King, two longtime Favre supporters, have issues with it. This would have been a great signing 10 years ago. Fifteen years ago. It seems some are not buying into the “historical season” the Vikings website is selling.

Finally had a chance to listen to the Mike Kelly radio show this morning and once again, the coach of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers delivered the comedy goods. The Greatest Show on Mirth. That’s what the Monday coach’s show should be called, what with the intentional and unintentional ridiculous Kelly provides listeners each and every week. Should be pointed out (again) that most of those same listeners are actually paying customers — those who shell out their (minimum) $50 a game that he’s insulting — but why continue to beat that dead horse?

If the organization doesn’t want to admit that they’ve made a mistake, that’s their prerogative. On behalf of displaced and current sportswriters everywhere, here’s hoping they keep Kelly around for a long time.

- He makes us laugh.

- His team makes us laugh.

- Insulting the people who support the Bombers with their wallets. Also quite funny, as in “gee, that’s a funny way to do business.”

- And the people who make excuses for (or defend) Kelly? Hilarious.

Kelly’s latest Komedy Klassic? Taking a trip down memory lane, something the increasingly Krusty coach loves to do when he gets to choose the path. Oh, what a journey it is, telling the listeners about all the great football coaches he honed his craft under — like the transparent name dropping will somehow explain or remedy the pathetic Bomber offence.

Andy Reid. Joe Gibbs. Steve Spurrier. Galen Hall. Cal Murphy. Worked with them all. Kelly can’t seem to go on one radio show or do one interview without mentioning Reid and Gibbs — handing out his resume to the listeners who doubt he has what it takes to be a head coach in the CFL.

I studied under a lot of people. If you think you know about schemes, please tell me exactly what I need to do and tell me what Montreal did against us and how we should have responded against them.

Memory lane. A great scheme if there ever was one. Twenty-nine team records on offence when Matt Dunigan was quarterback. Ah, the memories. Good times, and more importantly, a great way to deflect what is happening with the Blue Bombers this season.

The caller in question last night, a chap by the name of Jim, looks for a similar stroll. Wanting to not only bask in the warmth that this blast from the past is providing but looking to make a point how Kelly might not be the right man for the Blue Bombers head coaching job, wants to extend the trip further. Valdosta State comes up, the Division II college that Kelly was head coach at following his first go at it with Winnipeg. Kelly had an sub-.500 record in two-plus seasons there, getting his pink slip midway through the third season.

Seems to be some construction on that highway, as Kelly looks for a detour.

Caller: My problem is…if you look at your record from Valdosta State…

Mike Kelly: Oh here we go! How can you possibly compare 17, 18, and 19-year-olds against 30-year old men? It’s apples and oranges, alright. I promise you, Valdosta would come up here and play very, very well and probably beat the University of Manitoba…OK? Comparing the two isn’t the same thing.

Bob Irving: Jim, I think we’re going to leave it there. This is just going around in circles.

Ed note — Just like the Bombers. Or the vultures overhead. Bahahaha.

A few observations:

1. He never had a chance to finish his point, but it’s easy to assume that the caller wanted to talk about Kelly’s lack of head coaching success in the past. Those memories are off-limits, apparently.

2. Pretty sure the caller isn’t comparing professionals to student athletes. In fact, Kelly makes this assumption with some confusing deflection method that seems to not only discourage the caller from making his point, but it also takes Irving off the scent.

3. The hypothetical of Valdosta playing the Bisons and beating them? Where is that shot coming from? What does that have to do with anything? That’s the last thing Brian Dobie and the Bisons need — having Kelly drag them into the quagmire that is the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

4. Callers can look forward to three responses from Kelly: a) standard lines about working hard and sticking with the system; b) name-dropping and telling people how smart he is by latching on to coaches who have actually had some head coaching success; and c) sarcasm.

In a stunning move, Mike Kelly, the coach of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, took the blame for another loss, the latest disaster a 39-12 laugh-riot at the hands of the Montreal Alouettes last night. All kidding aside, the score actually flatters the Bombers, if you can believe it. In his post-game address to the radio listeners — an interview he could have gave after the first half as the game was well done at that point — Coach Kelly read from his familiar script.

“I’m the one that brought the players here and I’m the one that put them in those positions and so I’m apparently just not getting it done the way I should and not getting them to execute the way they are capable of.”

Hmmm. That sounds an awful like his post-game comments after a loss against Hamilton earlier this year.

“Our team played with great grit and determination. Anybody wearing a blue helmet and a white shirt didn’t leave anything out there. It’s on me. I didn’t put good enough schemes together in order for us to be successful. I didn’t do a good enough job to give them an opportunity to function.”

Kelly also shouldered the blame for the season opening loss to Edmonton, too. For those of you scoring at home, that’s three times out of the five losses that the head coach has pointed the gun on himself when explaining what the heck went wrong on the field. Of course, his insistence that his inability to match-up with the other head coaches in the CFL is just a lot of hot air. No coach in their right mind would actually believe that they are getting beat by other schemers. That’s shooting yourself in the foot, right?

So why is he pinning the losses on himself? What’s his motivation here?

This is his team. He brought in most of these players during a turbulent off-season and told anyone who would listen that all spots were upgrades from the previous year. Promises were made, not in so many words, but in bravado and swagger. Don’t like the way Kelly deals with people? Check back in when he’s won all the football games he says he’s going to win. You’ll love what he has to say then.

Things haven’t worked out, though. The players aren’t as good as advertised and his football acumen — well, it may not be on par with say an Andy Reid or a Joe Gibbs. But rather than admit he’s made more than a few errors in talent judgement, Kelly has tried to buy his guys some time by taking the heat for how they have shown on the field. Don’t blame them, blame me. They are working hard. I’m the one who doesn’t know what he’s doing. I’m the one who is responsible for this. My bad.

Each time he does this, though, it becomes clearer that Kelly’s players aren’t very good and more importantly, he is being out-coached and out-schemed by others in the league. Missed opportunities for field goals before time runs out, draw plays on second and long, the lack of a shotgun or five receiver set. The list goes on and on and each time he suggests that it is his fault, it’s hard for even the most dedicated Bomber fan to not consider what he says.

Grounds for dismissal, eh? Ah, but here’s the rub. As frustrating as it is for increasingly Blue followers, Kelly knows he can keep beating this drum for the rest of the year. He knows he can keeping “putting it on him” as the organization has no other choice but to stick with the first-year head coach right now. Friendship with Lyle Bauer not withstanding (ed note — man, how has HE avoided the bullets to this point?), Kelly — who after seven games and countless public gaffes deserves to be gassed — has the Bombers in a tough spot. The organization is already paying Doug Berry not to coach the team. There is no way they will eat another coach’s contract now, no matter how much football sense it makes.

With relatively no danger to his employment status, that’s why Kelly re-directs all the blame onto his himself after each disgusting loss. He can can buy himself and “his players” some time this season and if they finish strong and squeak into the post season at the end of the year, maybe that will do enough to call off the dogs for the 2010 season. He doesn’t want to admit he’s wrong about the guys he brought in (or the guys he kept around), knowing that he has essentially a free year to work with.

If the Bombers really cared about the product they put out of the field, if they really wanted to make a statement towards showing the fans how much they hate the current football climate in this city, they would call Kelly’s bluff. As the mob gets louder (or God forbid, starts to not care), the Bombers need to really consider making a move here. Think it would be embarrassing to pay TWO coaches to not coach the team? Tell that to the 25,000-plus who were at the game Saturday.

“…I’m apparently just not getting it done the way I should…”

You know what, Mike. You’re right. It is on you. You aren’t putting the players in a position to win each game. Thanks for trying. Where can we forward your cheques?

Take Kelly at his word and change the locks.

According to him, he’s not doing anything to earn his dough, anyway.