the 4th star

Time out on the field. Let’s go get a couple beers.

As mentioned yesterday, I’m taking a vacation. I will be away from my desk for two whole weeks. Fourteen days of ultimate grizzly bear fighting. Minus the meatballs and ring girls. Originally I had this crazy idea to do up a bunch of posts and schedule them throughout the duration of the vacation, but then things like packing and planning stuff got in the way and that notion fizzled.

In theory, scheduling a few things would have been easy to do: Just put a couple Friday Wrap Jams, Hump Days, and Man Sandwiches into the hopper and spit them out on the corresponding dates.

Same with the CSSC updates. Those are easy to do. Another game, another goalless outing.

On a serious note, I had started the NFL division previews, but I ran out of time and energy. Those will be up when I get back from Montana. And as for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, just as easy to plan ahead: The offence sucks, head coach Mike Kelly does something stupid, and the calls for a new quarterback continue to make headlines.

This shit writes itself.

UPDATE: Apparently, Naylor’s story is coming true tonight. So much for this quote: “Stef is the quarterback here. I will take one Sefan LeFors before I’ll take anybody else. Period.”

Right.

Who had Mitch Zalnasky in the pool?

With a big assist from Bob Irving, the former Winnipeg Blue Bomber receiver takes prize as the first media person to challenge and come out on top of a stare-down with Bombers head coach and offensive guru Mike Kelly. A post-game interview on the radio, coming at you live following his club’s AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL showing at home against the Toronto Argonauts, provides the venue for the compelling theatre and lesson in environmental protection:

Zalnasky: What about the quarterbacking situation going forward, is Stefan (LeFors) still your man or are you going to re-evaluate heading into next week?

Kelly: You watched all three of ‘em play tonight, does anybody have any suggestions for me? That’s what it comes down to — you saw all three quarterbacks tonight…

Credit Zalnasky for not backing down here. He comes right back with the suggestion that Ritchie Williams looked the best out of the three, as he at least moved the chains a few times in the fourth quarter. Kelly, naturally, wasn’t interested in hearing anything positive on anyone but LeFors, pointing out that the Argos took some “wonderful penalties on that drive.” He then praised the officials for their work. Sarcastically, of course.

Irving then jumps in, wondering what the deal is with LeFors’ confidence these days. Kelly says the usual things on the relationship between the coach and player, preceding the familiar refrain by suggesting that Winnipeg isn’t “a great environment to try and groom anyone.”

Uh-oh.

House organ or not, you’re not going to slip a line like that past a veteran like Irving. It’s at this point I’m screaming at my radio, begging for a follow-up question on the “environment.” The Bombers play-by-play man fights every urge to stay positive and asks the question:

“What do you mean it’s not a great environment?”

Kelly: Uh, duh…uh…just the schizophrenic reactions to wins and losses around here. Um…there just needs to be some stability. I know this will be a tough week for everyone involved and we just have to block all that out and stay the course.”

(Schizophrenia is a psychiatric diagnosis describing a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality — ed.)

Irving: Do you think it’s much different here then other places?

Kelly: Yeah, I do.

Irving: You do, eh?

A shocked Zalnasky jumps in: Really?

Kelly: Yes.

Zalnasky: Every city wants their home team to win. I would think that’s…Philadelphia, Mike. You’re from Philadelphia, would they accept a 1-3 from the Eagles?

BLAMMO! The straight-shooter just took one. Not a good night.

Kelly backed off his ridiculous assertion, but not before inserting his other foot inside his mouth with a comment about the level of expectations from the community (or environment). Apparently, when you blow into town, bring in a guy who was a third-string quarterback on another team last year and proclaim you can turn him into a legitimate starter, make disparaging remarks about the former operations department, start talking about how wins and results are the only things that matter, people are going to expect that you back up what you tell them.

Wins and losses and getting better each week and hard work. You and your team haven’t earned any breaks, Mike. You said you didn’t want them. Don’t ask for them now.

I’m not a fan, but there’s one thing I know about the football team in this town: The fans actually care. A lot. They want to see the team win. They’ve been waiting for 18 years. So when they see your offence collect one first down in the first half — after all the bravado you’ve spouted in the months you’ve been in the captain’s chair — and those fans start screaming Boo-urns, it’s not a smart business plan to blame them for not supporting the product.

Over 28,000 suckers paid to see that debacle in person. You should be supporting them for their ill-thought out disposable income decision on a Friday night. They were probably more frustrated with themselves; not with your putrid attack or your stable of quarterbacks that deserved to be booed — even when an autographed jersey of one of them is a contest prize.

Said Kelly on the not-so-great environment: I think there’s a level of sensibility that needs to come into play. I don’t know if I’m witnessing that right now.

The environment feels the same way.

This guy’s name is Gerard Butler. I used to know a Gerald Butler, but that was many, many moons ago and I’m sure the guy I’m thinking of looks nothing like this. This Butler is in some movie called The Ugly Truth. It’s a ‘rom-com,’ I believe, and if previous experience with the genre is any indication, I’m sure it’s quite terrible. Having said that, I doubt those men who get dragged to it will notice any predictable plot twists with Butler’s co-star up on the screen. Geesh.

And there you go, ladies. There’s your Man Sandwich.

Warning: The above video is boring as hell. CFL boring. Two and out and punt and commercial boring.

But there is a point to all this. Come Sunday night, the 4th Star will be kicking it in Montana for the next two weeks. Without a computer. You can’t go mountain biking without mountains. It’s physically impossible. For those of you who don’t know, Montana just happens to have the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states. I think black bears are also a problem, too. What this all means is that when my party of two is on the trail, trying not to fall off any mountain we may foolishly attempt to navigate, the possibility of coming across an unsuspecting bear is real and, to be frank, a little unnerving. This could happen. This could happen. This could happen, too. Or this. This would be kind of cool. This probably won’t happen, but I haven’t started the research on the zoos in Missoula yet.

Then there’s this video. Possibly the best title ever.

So look for me on the news. Not for the story on how a Manitoba man gets eaten by a bear but for the piece on the guy who accidentally sprays himself in the face with bear spray before the intended target has him for a late lunch. Should be a front pager. Remember: You heard it here first! Take care.

Judging by the number of versions of this up on the You Tubeage site, this will probably be taken down in a matter of hours. So enjoy it while you can. Someone I know has a strange crush on Damon Albarn. Is that how you spell his name? The Universal is just part one of the Friday Wrap Jam this week. Part Two is coming up a little later in the day…as soon as I figure out what it’s going to be.

If the link does get taken down, here’s a black and white live version on British Music Television. I wish I had bangs like that.

Great headline. Stupidly great. I can’t believe he’s denying it. Not that you need to read further, the rest of story can be found right here. I’m still in shock. An accused football player is saying he didn’t have anything to do with it. Yo, Michael Vick. Yeah, you on the right of the page. Any comment on this? I need to seek clergy.

“When I was a professor (of sports management at Drexel University), if I had an exam that was given where the highest grade was in the 70s or low 80s… then I failed those kids; I didn’t recognize that they weren’t picking up the style of teaching that I was using. So now I have to find another way to communicate those same thoughts because if your whole class fails that’s on the instructor. So you go back and say, ‘Obviously they’re not understanding this.’

That was Winnipeg Blue Bombers head coach Mike Kelly explaining how he invented the concept of teaching. Pretty impressive. Makes one wonder why he’s in the Canadian Football League. Here’s more, relating his findings to the football Titanic team he’s currently guiding through the iceberg-laden waters:

“I’m being very open here… through the first part of some of our teaching here I thought players could conceptualize easier than they could. Now I’m finding with our group they learn better if I actually draw out everything, they follow it better then. You have to learn who you’re dealing with also and what is their learning pattern and how they learn best. That’s all part of the process.”

What’s not as impressive as discovering the concept of instruction is the following timeline: We are heading into Week 4 in the CFL season. Prior to that, there were two weeks of exhibition games. Prior to that there were two weeks (or so) of training camp workouts. During the majority of that time, quarterback Stefan LeFors — who has spent the last year and a half with Kelly in Edmonton — has taken the majority of the reps. Lots of time to learn a few things from a teacher you’re familiar with.

Hmmm…I’m getting why the Bombers were running the ball on second and long last Saturday. Or maybe I’m starting to see why Winnipeg kept running the ball into a Hamilton defence that was loaded up to stop the run. Yes, someone’s not understanding this. Maybe it’s me. The Blue Bombers (1-2) are at home against Toronto (1-2) tomorrow night. Here are the three questions:

1. Are the Argos the perfect cure for what ails the Blue and Gold?
You bet. The Toronto defence has given up 90 points in the last two games and do not look like they can stop anyone right now. Should provide the perfect confidence boost for LeFors and the Winnipeg attack. Of course, if the visitors show up ready to play and the Bombers don’t move the ball, well then look out: Kelly may have to make a change at quarterback to at least pretend that he’s trying to win the game. He won’t, of course. If the Bombers do lose, at least we’ll get to hear how the loss was on him.

2. No Arland Bruce?
TSN is reporting that Bruce, an annual Blue Bomber killer, did not travel with the club yesterday. That hurts the Argos offence. It also gives the Winnipeg defence the advantage of not worrying about the vertical ball. Look for them to sneak a quick peak into the box and gang up on all runs and short passes Joseph orchestrates.

3. What exactly is the mood in Winnipeg right now?
Can’t put my finger on it. I hear a lot of people unhappy with the Bombers, unhappy with Kelly, and unhappy with the direction the club is headed. This is professional sport, they say. Win or find someone who can. On the other hand, there are those who are preaching patience. That everything will be OK. That’s a tough sell for Bombers fans, though. They sat through how many years of Kevin Glenn’s development? They don’t have the time to wait for LeFors this time around. Especially when they think he’s not going to be the answer anyway.

Tensions are high. Excuses are everywhere. Bad time to be a Bombers fan. Good time to be a Bomber watcher.

After ignoring a 25 year layoff, with three of those spent begging to play, I have decided to make a triumphant return to the beautiful game. In a stunning act of charity, the Crescentwood Saturday Soccer Club has done the unthinkable and allowed me to play with them in the Winnipeg Soccer Division this summer. If I can score one goal this year, I’d be pretty happy. Judging from my inconsistent play, my teammates would be equally ecstatic, too. Here’s the weekly update:

Another game, another lesson learned from the hopeful forward who has no idea what he’s doing out there. First to the big picture, where the mighty CSSC (4-2-3) jumped out to a quick two goal lead only to watch the South End Casuals (4-3-3) take things a little more serious and tie the match before the first half was in the books. I may be speaking out of school here, but a 10 minute lapse did us in again. Seems to be of our own doing, too. No worries. It will comes. Further salt in the wound comes in the form of knowing that our opponent played with just 10 players. That stings, yes, but I look at it this way: They played hard, knowing they needed to pick up the slack. If they had a full squad, perhaps the South Enders play it a little more Casual, and the CSSC prevail.

Also still in its theory stage is this crazy notion that I will score a goal before I die. Unlike previous close chances where I still am trying to set the ball on a tee, Tuesday’s opportunity for glory proved to be even more cruel.

Here’s the deal: I’m out on the right side. The defender in check has already had some issues with balls bouncing over his head, so he’s creeping up make sure any errant balls can be taken before the rock-hard turf comes into play. An offering comes out to my side, towards the middle of the field. Running as fast as I can, I get past the flat footed defender and find myself with a chance for a shot in the box. Moments before the defender makes a desperation slide, the ball finally settles for me and I take my shot. The keeper is off the line so I hit a hard one over him with my right foot, thinking it will fade and fall under the bar. It does eventually drop, but not soon enough. Off the bar, straight back into the play. I smack my hands together and run back to position as the game moves back towards the middle of the pitch. So close, but so far away.

A message to our stations: That will be it for the CSSC updates for the next two weeks. I’m going to Montana on the weekend to gaze up at the Big Sky and collect my thoughts…

I never understood the attraction to Erin Andrews. The ESPN sideline reporter probably never really registered with me — a man — as I never really cared about NCAA sport in all its forms. That’s where she is usually found, on the sidelines in Ann Arbor or courtside at Chapel Hill. I never tune in to those games, and as a result, I never had a chance to really watch her and then fall in love with her as seemingly every college sports fan eventually does.

Pretty girl at sporting event on television. Me like.

So, because I never really watched, I have no idea if Andrews is any good at what she does. No idea if she’s credible. No idea if she’s competent. I do know this: Television is a visual medium and when it’s on a national cable network geared towards men between the ages of 18-34, she needn’t worry about her employment situation. Sadly, given the boo-yah network she works for and its mantra that the packaging is just as (or even more) important than the story inside the box, I suspect being a beautiful blonde woman will always cast a shadow onto what kind of reporter she is. A terrible notion to push out into the light of day, but why not bring things like this into the open and see what they look like?

Think about how you react when you see a national female sports reporter on television. Are you listening to what she is saying, or are you wondering what she would want for breakfast the next day? Be honest with the answer. Even right now as I type this, I wonder why I put things like Hump Day and Man Sandwich on this blog? Pictures of beautiful women and hot guys, with little malice directed or intended. They seem innocent enough.

Thanks to Andrews’ case — where her name, looks, reputation, and how all three are treated by society has come onto the front burner thanks to unwelcome and disturbing recent events — female sports media celebrity and how the topic is considered by the masses is now being discussed around the biosphere blogosphere (led by the great work from these guys). The discussion is everywhere. I wonder what will come of it, if anything, as the formula has been set in stone for some time now:

Good looking broad + television is a visual medium + looks are part of national TV sports reporting = male libido + internet buzz on how hot (insert name here) is + increased viewership.

It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Sadly, the equation continues to yield results.

It’s been nearly 20 years since reporter Lisa Olson, then of the Boston Herald, was sexually harassed by some New England Patriots, whose actions were later condoned by the team’s then-owner, Victor Kiam. Since then, some sports have made strides in the area of race. In terms of gay issues, sports lags behind the cultural curve. And in terms of women … well, maybe in sports, not so much has changed.

Bob Irving (host): Steve, you’re on with Coach Kelly. Go ahead. Steve are you there…?

Steve (caller): Coach, you’re talking about how the loss is on you because you didn’t game plan properly or you got out-schemed or whatnot…well, Coach, you could have the greatest game plan in the world but if you have a quarterback you cannot compete at this level…

(Mike Kelly laughs)

…then what does it matter? And you can laugh, Coach. Bottom line: This guy had one good quarter against Hamilton in the pre-season and since then…It. Has. Been. Brutal.

Kelly (sarcasm): Really?

Steve (agitated): Now I’m going to hang up and you can sugarcoat it. Good luck on Friday.

(click)

Kelly (sarcasm): Thanks sweetheart. I’ll sugarcoat it for you.

Bob (to Kelly and looking for fire extinguisher): You haven’t lost any faith, if I might interject, in Stefan LeFors, have you?

Kelly (more sarcasm): No, and I’m sure the gentleman who just called has a wealth of knowledge about how to handle quarterbacks. He probably played quarterback for the St. James Rods or one of the other junior teams here in town and was just probably outstanding at it. But maybe if he read some things on the back of a Nerf box (ed note: huh?) he’d have a better understanding about what it takes to play quarterback at this level.

(sugarcoating commences)

—–

If someone emails or phones to complain/clarify/discuss the job I’m doing, or maybe they wish to offer a suggestion on how I can do my job a little better, and I treat the customer with contempt mixed with a healthy dose of sarcasm, chances are my bosses would be calling me into the office for a rather terse discussion on how bleak my future with the company looks. Part of the job. Smile, say thanks for reading, and move on. Insult the customer — even if the customer is out of line or off his or her rocker — and that means lost business. Lost business means less money. Less money means less profit. And then they’ll tell two friends. And so on, and so on, and so on…

Of course, this is standard operating procedure (after every loss). Or so it seems:

The folks who tune in to a CFL coach’s radio show at 7:00 pm on a Monday aren’t doing so because they’re bored, it’s because they care. And the people who actually call in to that show aren’t doing so because it gives them a kick to take a run at the coach, it’s because they’re passionate about the football team. These people are all fans, and more importantly, they’re paying customers.