the 4th star

I’ve been without a baseball team since 2004.

That was the final year of the Montreal Expos. I was never a huge fan of the game, but they were my team. My rooting for Les Expos intensified as the Toronto Blue Jays became a legitimate contender — and each time the Jays landed a new recruit for the bandwagon, it just seemed to draw me closer to Canada’s original Major League Baseball entity.

Yeah, 1994 was a tough year. Every season was tough, though. They only made the post season once in the 36 years of operation, which gave me even more reason to cheer for them. I’m from Winnipeg. The Jets used to play here. I cheer for the Vancouver Canucks. I’m familiar with the practice of supporting teams that suck.

Five years after watching the only baseball team I ever cared about leave for Washington, I’m ready to begin a new era of support. I’ll put away that gray Larry Walker jersey and my Value Village Bill Gullickson treasure for good, but before do that I need to choose a new team.

So I came up with an idea. I’ll give away my allegiance. For a price. Not for hundreds of thousands of dollars, but for a few bucks. And then I’ll funnel the dough off to a charity. Sounds good, eh? Here’s the email I sent to each of the 30 MLB clubs this morning:

I was a longtime Montreal Expos fan. They were the only baseball team I ever cheered for. After watching them leave Canada following the 2004 season, I hated Major League Baseball. Call it a grieving period, complete with denial, anger, and all the other stages one goes through when suffering a loss. Five years later, I am ready to fall in love with Major League Baseball again, but I need a team to declare my undying support for. To do this properly, I am soliciting all MLB teams. Your pledge for my pledge. To put it another way, I’m putting my loyalties up for purchase.

My baseball love — through richness and in poorness, in sickness and in health — can be yours. Bidding starts and ends at $30 US. First team in, wins. One team to make a $30 commitment, and I will cheer your team on in every bar, press box, or stadium I happen to find myself in. That’s all it will take. So simple. We’ll figure out the particulars for payment later. All the proceeds of the sale is going to the Run With Porter event that is scheduled to be held here in Manitoba in August. Get your bid in now and secure a fan for life.

For more information on Run With Porter: www.runwithporter.com

I wonder if those contact email forms the teams have really work? Let’s give it a couple days and see what happens. What do you think the chances are of one team getting back to me? Probably pretty slim. Like as in zero. If nothing happens, then I’ll be forced to pick a club on my own. I really don’t want to do that.

Oh look, Colorado has a team.

UPDATE: It should be pointed out that I don’t really expect any of the clubs to respond to this ridiculous request. Like they’re just going to hand over a $30 donation for my allegiance. The odds of me getting on base against Doc Halladay are better. But it never hurts to try. Either way, I’ll be running at Bird’s Hill Park August 15th. Hey, who knows? Maybe by then I will have picked out a new team. I have it narrowed down to three clubs. Barring a response miracle from one of the MLB clubs, I’ll discuss the pros and cons of the three as we get into the summer break here. Word.

It’s October in Calgary, though you’d never know it by the unseasonably warm afternoons southern Alberta is currently experiencing. Brent and Darryl Sutter, both dressed like they are just heading out to the back nine, walk into a Chili’s and saddle up to the bar.

Little known fact: The Sutters love baby-back ribs.

It’s an off-day for the Calgary Flames, but Brent still carries some stress. He called this meeting between the brothers, and he’s not sure how Darryl is going to respond to what he has to say. The news has been sitting in Brent’s gut for a few weeks now — he just hasn’t had the courage to say it. Or the timing hasn’t been right with Darryl. The timing is never right with Darryl.

After ordering, Brent bites his lip and turns to the television. God, that Jason Portuondo is such a little bitch, he thinks as general manager Darryl responds to a text from Jim Playfair. Brent, the Flames head coach, takes a big gulp of his Bud Light with lime.

It’s time to come clean.

Darryl?

Just a sec…(keeps thumbing a message on his BlackBerry)…man, sometimes I wonder how JP gets dressed in the morning. Every little thing. Kay…I’m done.

I have something to tell you.

Sure, shoot.

Well, it’s about the job. God, this is so hard.

Just say it. What the fuck’s wrong with you?

OK, well you know that I wasn’t happy in New Jersey. I missed my family and Red Deer and I was terribly homesick for most of last season. I was miserable. You know how hard it was for me to leave—

No one said coaching in the NHL was easy, man. And to be perfectly honest, it seemed pretty easy for you to quit.

I didn’t quit! I just…I just had to come home.

Whatever. What are you talking about here?

Can I get you boys another beer?

Silence while the waitress clears away the empty mugs. Darryl stares at her bumper and lets out a low manly groan as she rumbles towards the taps.

Look, I’m grateful for the opportunity to coach in my home province, near my junior team, but lately I’m starting to realize that it’s not enough. I’m still terribly homesick. I haven’t slept in weeks over this, and when I do manage to doze off, it’s after a long bout of sobbing and tears—

Jesus, Brent. Are you sure you’re a Sutter? I wonder sometimes.

Brent looks out the window. The waitress places the beers and baby back ribs on the table. Darryl checks out her rack, and then dives right in to the meatsicles. For Brent, the food isn’t the only thing to appear in the booth. The time to come clean with his brother has also arrived. He is moving back to Red Deer tomorrow. Being an hour away from his family just isn’t good enough. Coaching in the NHL isn’t good enough. And this homesick feeling in his heart just won’t quit.

Or leave. Not quit. Brent Sutter is not a quitter.

After inhaling four ribs, Darryl licks his fingers and comes up for air.

What were you gonna say? These are good, eh? Mmrraapgh, mmrapgh…

Brent nods and picks up a rib. Never mind, he thinks. The timing isn’t right. It never is with Darryl.

Maybe on the ride back to the Saddledome….

Here’s to the weekend. Rafael Nadal is out for Wimbledon and the Man Sandwich loves Capris on a hot summer day. Very manly. Very Man Sandwichly. The other evening I saw a guy sporting the long shorts/short pants on the patio. I take little issue with the choice of wear, as my shorts tend to drift well past the knee on occasion. The problem here was the dude had on a pair of running shoes, like a pair of Nikes, with the Capris. Come on, guy. Grab a clue before you leave the house and ruin Winnipeg’s afternoon with your terrible fashion sense. Pick up a pair of sandals. Or run over the gas station and purchase some crappy flip flops. Go barefeet for Christ’s sake. The Air Jordans just weren’t cutting it. At least there were no chicks around the guy — that would have pissed everyone off.

Enough of the past. Let’s look ahead. Judging from the picture, guess where I’m going in December.

Some great work from Wrap Around Curl regarding the awkward-fest that is the National Hockey League Awards Show. Team Awkward would have been all over that! As you can see in the post, the dude-by-dude critique of some of the choice fashion choices is spot on, even with the stumble out of the gate proclaiming Alex Ovechkin was the ‘best dressed.’ Sure, that suit is top shelf and all that but come on, girl! It’s Ovechkin. I think that’s Old Russian for ‘not attractive at all.’

Fortunately, WAC straightens things out with the next graph.

But he is going against Ryan Kesler. Can I say, OW OW OWWWWW. He looks like the best man who just finished banging the maid of honor five minutes before the wedding starts. Archi says; “Where’s my tie? Who cares where my tie is. I just got laid.”

That’s just beautiful. Brings a tear to my eye.

It gets even better in the comments. Someone named Kate gives her two cents on Pavel Datsyuk’s hair, which was mentioned in an earlier comment, before offering a brilliant account of the crowd attending the awards:

Datsyuk’s hair? What about Malkin’s? He is definitely the cutest non-cute boy on the planet, but his hair looked like he coated it in Vaseline and combed it straight down. Hockey hair in general is pretty sketchy: when the camera would pan the audience, it was like “mullet, bleach blonde with extensions, mullet, bleach blonde with extensions, mullet,” etc.

Personally, I could care less about the NHL awards. They should scrap the show and just announce the individual winners during the post season. Like the NFL does. Like baseball and basketball do. Why not on the off-days during the semifinals and Stanley Cup final? The extra time might give each individual award (and the winner) more coverage than a forgetful gala celebration would. And this way, hockey players young and old wouldn’t have to struggle with tricky things like talking and reading. On the other hand, the players usually bring their significant others with them…

Building off a previous post (come out to The Forks), a departure from the music video and concert footage usually reserved for the Friday Wrap Jam is upon us. Unable to locate the original Bananarama video, the options were plentiful. Sure, I could have went with this cover and sent you on your merry way, but too predictable and way too boring. There was this option, featuring two of the Banana broads in all their cougar-ific glory (ed note: fantastic). Little too hard on the ears, though.

That’s why we went with the above cut from The Karate Kid. It has the perfect blend of eighties music, karate, bad acting, soccer, teenage awkwardness, and sweatpants. Frankly, the 88-pound Daniel with an ‘L’ deserved the hard tackle at the end of the scene. Use your head, Guitar Hero. I mean, you’re the new kid with a ‘New York’ accent at a new school in California. You want to fit in? Pass the ball, jerk.

“Listen, I never got a chance to thank you for getting your ass completely handed to you the other night. I look forward to witnessing several more beatings. Now watch me bounce a soccer ball off these trunks.”

The West was done yesterday. Let’s turn our attention to the east, shall we?

1. Jay Bouwmeester
Easily the most intriguing unrestricted free agent this summer. There are two different camps on this guy: On one hand, he’s a talented, smooth skating defenceman who would be a welcome addition to any blue-line. Some even say he’s a guy to build a defence around. On the other hand, he could be Brian Campbell all over again. Plus, he has never led his team to the post season. In fact, if you go right back to junior, he’s never been to the post season! Well, that’s not entirely true. During the lockout year, he skated in 18 games for the Chicago Wolves in the AHL. Zero goals, zero assists.

Pros: Smooth skater. Solid in all aspects of the position. Looks ready to take his game to the next level. Cons: Terrible resume. Leadership questions. Strange last name. Always looks sleepy.

2. Mike Komisarek
Another defenceman available, another defenceman whose play raises some red flags. Komisarek looks like Larry Robinson one game, only to skate like Larry Bird the next. Personally, this is the rearguard I would go after if I was an NHL general manager. And I say that despite his awful, awful, AWFUL post season against Boston where Mike Milbury called him out for being a pussy.

Pros: He can hit. He can shoot. He can clear out the front of the net. Cons: Occasionally handles the puck like a live grenade. That Bruins series.

3. Alexei Kovalev
Danger. Danger zone. Danger Bay. Harvey Danger. Night Danger. How many different ways can you say it? Not a solid investment. Other than Montreal, who is seriously considering adding this guy to their team?

Pros: Still, that one-timer on the power play from the off-wing is ridiculous. Skill up the wazoo. Looks like Corey Koskie. Cons: Forget about game to game, you can’t count on him to compete from shift to shift. Defines frustration. Prima donna. Looks like Corey Koskie.

4. Johnny Oduya
The Devils will probably let Brian Gionta walk (and why wouldn’t they?), focusing all their attention on the little known Oduya. The Swedish defenceman, offensively gifted and only 27-years-old, is about to improve on the $600,000 he made last year. If the price is right, worth locking up for a few years.

Pros: Smart with the puck. Power play quarterback. Trained in the New Jersey school of defensive schooling. Cons: Small. Weak. Greg Hawgood was more physical.

5. Nik Antropov
To sign this guy and get a good night’s sleep that night, a general manager would have to erase everything he knew about the enigmatic winger. Nothing more to really say, is there. Inconsistent. Seems to be a theme with these lists, eh?

Pros: Big. Kinda quick. Good sense in the offensive zone. Cons: A younger Kovalev at times. Does he still wear that stupid tinted visor? The stench of being a Maple Leaf may never come off.

Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: “It’s hip to be square.”
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it’s… cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I’m glad. And that’s what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we’ve tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you’re truly cool, you don’t need to be told you’re cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

—–

OK kids. Time to make some plans for your weekend. Here’s what we’re doing this Sunday: Some of us will wake up really early, run 26.2 miles in the Manitoba Marathon, and then think they’re better than us. Others will sleep in and dream of living in Kenya. Once everyone is done that, we’ll all head on down to The Forks (Winnipeg) with our boards and knee pads and helmets, and re-visit our youth. The occasion? Go Skateboarding Day. Yeah!

Here’s what you need to know:

The Skateboard Coalition of Manitoba will be distributing over 20 brand new Mike McDermott professional model skateboards to youth from the West Broadway Youth Outreach organization at 2 p.m.

McDermott, the Green Apple guy and Winnipeg’s first professional skateboarder in over 10 years, will host a workshop with youth that will be receiving his pro model as well as helmets accumulated through the SCM’s fund-raising efforts in 2008. You know that skateboard calender in my cubicle, the one you always rail on? Well, the coalition sold those last year and pulled in over $2,200. That money went to buy professional quality skateboards and equipment for at-risk youth (pictured).

The SCM is an advocacy group primarily focused on the advancement and acceptance of the culture and community of skateboarders in the 204. Through silly little things like education and information, the group acts as THE VOICE for skateboarders in the province of Manitoba, working with its members and communities to advocate appropriate skateboard friendly environments.

Do it.

Free agent season in the National Hockey League hits us in less than two weeks time and with it, a flurry of questions immediately come to mind. Will it be a mad rush to sign guys? Which teams will make a Brierror? (ed note: I’m coining that phrase right now, so suck it!) Who will try to win the Stanley Cup in July? Will TSN devote the whole day of programming to the start of free agency?

Answers will come soon. Rather than go through the whole list of free agents, I’ve decided to take a look at five intriguing ( and about to be filthy rich) players in each conference (or the conference they finished the season in). Let’s start in the west. In no particular order….

1. Marian Hossa
The league’s most famous mercenary. As of this writing he’s a still a free agent, but the smart money has him returning to the Detroit Red Wings before the July 1st free agent signing period opens. There were whispers a deal was already done during the final, but nothing has surfaced yet. Should those whispers turn out to be false, a courting team will need a gifted centre to skate alongside Hossa. Failure to see that would result in a salary cap disaster. He’s not going to create much on his own.

Pros: Top six forward. Goal scorer. Offensive threat. Strong on the puck. Great shot. Cons: Questions about his ability to get over being a Stanley Cup bridesmaid two years in a row. Motivation. Bad karma. Christ, the guy might be cursed.

2. Daniel and Henrik Sedin
Two for the price of…two! Have to lump the twins as one entry as they will only sign as a duet and not as solo projects. Vancouver remains the likely destination, but a reunion with Brian Burke in Toronto remains a real possibility. If the Canucks do not bring them back (or refuse to match any reach the Leafs put forth), they better have a solid Plan B.

Pros: Strong along the boards. They share the same hockey sense. Always healthy. Uncanny ability to know where the other is at all times, Really, it’s kinda creepy how they do that. Cons: Are they worth $6-7million each?

3. Martin Havlat
In classic free agent form, Havlat cobbled together a solid season when it mattered most. His first two years in Chicago were injury plagued campaigns, putting up just 84 points in 91 total games. This past season: 81 games played, 29 goals and 77 points. Arguably the best Blackhawk in the post season, too. Devoting a large chuck of your payroll to this guy would be a gamble.

Pros: Great skater. Nose for the net. Cons: Way too streaky. Brains still might be scrambled from that devastating Kronwall hit.

4. Marian Gaborik
Another Marian on the list. If my aunt played hockey, she might be on here, too. Nothing really new to report with Gaborik. The guy is a world-class talent who just can’t seem to stay healthy. He’s also a world-class pain in the ass for the Minnesota Wild — though that label might be lifted now that a new regime is underway in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Here’s what potential suitors are struggling with: He’s only appeared in 207 games the last four years. But in that time, he put up 229 points.

Pros: Did I mention he’s a world-class player? Great speed. Great shot. Great in the offensive zone. Cons: Made of the unique combination of fine china and paper mache. Sorry, I mean papier mache.

5. Francois Beauchemin
Stop laughing for a second. Though he only played 20 games this season (he was out with a knee injury), Beauchemin is an intriguing free agent prospect — especially for a Western Conference member. Sign him and you immediately weaken those pesky Anaheim Ducks. Get over the fact that it’s Francois Beauchemin for one second and you’ll realize the value he brings a club is a needed commodity in the NHL. He can play in his own end, move the puck, and he contributes offensively.

Pros: Not a lot of warts. He’s won a Stanley Cup. Hopefully he’s learned a few things from Niedermayer and Pronger. Cons: It’s fuckin’ Francois Beauchemin! Could be exposed when not playing with a Hall of Fame defenceman. Is he a $3-4 million player?

If the Winnipeg Blue Bombers look good against the Hamilton Tiger-Cats tonight, so good that they win running away, all we’ll hear about is how the public, fans, and media under-estimated this club. Hey, maybe this Jeff Reinebold Mike Kelly knows what he’s doing after all. The Database always wins. The public relations movement on the new Bombers regime will continue and the message from the team will be one of temperance: It’s only an exhibition game. We still have a lot of work to do.

And the fans…well, they’ll either swoon or remain suspicious, wondering if a pre-season game carries the same weight as the coverage it’s given. We’re only 16 hours away from kick-off. Good. That will give me time to read about a coach I’ve never heard of and comments from players who may not be playing. Some of the Bomber faithful may even put their paper bags on stand-by, just to piss Doug Brown off. Stupid fans, how dare they pay money to watch us lose games and express themselves that way.

If the Bombers come out and lay an egg (or even just play poorly), we can expect the usual lines from everyone about how it is just an exhibition game, how the many roster changes require time to gel. How the final score means nothing. How it’s all about evaluation. All of which is true, but if the Bombers really lay an egg out there, then the tough questions will be asked: What has Lyle Bauer done? Maybe Stefan LaFors is right-handed? When does Cal Murphy make a formal request that his name not be included in any story involving Mike Kelly?

And the fans…who knows? Part panic, part patience. Paper bags.

We still have a couple weeks to go before the games start counting, so that’s when I’ll start tuning into the Bombers here. Exhibition games are valuable for the teams, useless for everyone else. Not sure how much time I’ll devote to the CFL (as I’m allergic to three-down football), but I’ll figure out something here. Don’t know about you, but I’m intrigued at what this season could be. Almost excited. So much so that I’m thinking about not only going to a game this year, but staying for more than five minutes, finding my way beyond the rum hut, and watching the game. These winds of change are contagious.

I’m also thinking about getting a Harley. I just have a feeling it would be funny.

Breast enlargements are now the most common graduation gift for girls who pass their secondary school exams in Italy.

Boob jobs have knocked cars and summer holidays back into second and third places respectively. Angelica Pesce, 18, from Rome, said she and many of her pals would be going under the knife in a few weeks having just finished school.

She said: “It’s a much more useful present than something like a car, which will break down after a few years, or a holiday, which is over within a week. My new breasts will last a lifetime.”

She sounds smart. It is a much more useful present. For everyone.

To celebrate the end of the school year, Hump Day brings you the beauty of Cecilia Capriotti. Consider staring at this image as the rest of your day in the office. No idea what this broad does or where anyone can find her in a non-internet world, but maybe this will help. To get through that page, try this.

You’re welcome.