the 4th star

I’ve been without a baseball team since 2004.

That was the final year of the Montreal Expos. I was never a huge fan of the game, but they were my team. My rooting for Les Expos intensified as the Toronto Blue Jays became a legitimate contender — and each time the Jays landed a new recruit for the bandwagon, it just seemed to draw me closer to Canada’s original Major League Baseball entity.

Yeah, 1994 was a tough year. Every season was tough, though. They only made the post season once in the 36 years of operation, which gave me even more reason to cheer for them. I’m from Winnipeg. The Jets used to play here. I cheer for the Vancouver Canucks. I’m familiar with the practice of supporting teams that suck.

Five years after watching the only baseball team I ever cared about leave for Washington, I’m ready to begin a new era of support. I’ll put away that gray Larry Walker jersey and my Value Village Bill Gullickson treasure for good, but before do that I need to choose a new team.

So I came up with an idea. I’ll give away my allegiance. For a price. Not for hundreds of thousands of dollars, but for a few bucks. And then I’ll funnel the dough off to a charity. Sounds good, eh? Here’s the email I sent to each of the 30 MLB clubs this morning:

I was a longtime Montreal Expos fan. They were the only baseball team I ever cheered for. After watching them leave Canada following the 2004 season, I hated Major League Baseball. Call it a grieving period, complete with denial, anger, and all the other stages one goes through when suffering a loss. Five years later, I am ready to fall in love with Major League Baseball again, but I need a team to declare my undying support for. To do this properly, I am soliciting all MLB teams. Your pledge for my pledge. To put it another way, I’m putting my loyalties up for purchase.

My baseball love — through richness and in poorness, in sickness and in health — can be yours. Bidding starts and ends at $30 US. First team in, wins. One team to make a $30 commitment, and I will cheer your team on in every bar, press box, or stadium I happen to find myself in. That’s all it will take. So simple. We’ll figure out the particulars for payment later. All the proceeds of the sale is going to the Run With Porter event that is scheduled to be held here in Manitoba in August. Get your bid in now and secure a fan for life.

For more information on Run With Porter: www.runwithporter.com

I wonder if those contact email forms the teams have really work? Let’s give it a couple days and see what happens. What do you think the chances are of one team getting back to me? Probably pretty slim. Like as in zero. If nothing happens, then I’ll be forced to pick a club on my own. I really don’t want to do that.

Oh look, Colorado has a team.

UPDATE: It should be pointed out that I don’t really expect any of the clubs to respond to this ridiculous request. Like they’re just going to hand over a $30 donation for my allegiance. The odds of me getting on base against Doc Halladay are better. But it never hurts to try. Either way, I’ll be running at Bird’s Hill Park August 15th. Hey, who knows? Maybe by then I will have picked out a new team. I have it narrowed down to three clubs. Barring a response miracle from one of the MLB clubs, I’ll discuss the pros and cons of the three as we get into the summer break here. Word.