the 4th star

Unlike yours truly, this will never, ever get old.

A situation is developing today, involving current TSN hockey analyst John Tortorella, his old NHL team the Tampa Bay Lightning, and a current NHL disaster that wants his services, the New York Rangers.

The Rangers made this predicable move today, and have their sights set on the The Fonz to spark a dormant, underachieving line-up for the final six weeks of the season. The Blueshirts have been in a freefall since Christmas, slipping further down the standings (and possibly out of the post season picture) with each passing game.

However, as Bob McKenzie reports, the Rangers need the blessing of the Lightning before the hire happens. The Bolts still own Tortorella for this year and would have to let him out of the contract before he can look elsewhere for a job.

Where it gets interesting is what the Lightning can get from the Rangers as a trade off for letting Tortorella loose. While he’s been incredibly boring as an analyst and hasn’t been willing to stick his neck out for fear of hurting his employment chances down the road, JT started out strong, ripping his former club before the season started. Since then, it’s been snoozeville.

And that rip is the roadblock. If I was Brian Lawton, the Tampa Bay GM, I would not let Torts go without some significant cash from New York. How much? Good question. Depends how desperate Glen Sather is.

1. I am the smartest man in the world. Six for six with the Academy Award picks yesterday has me feeling pretty good regarding my ability to predict winners. Too bad it was in an business I don’t give a crap about.

2. After an abysmal NFL post season regarding the gambling, I have found the winning stroke again. And the timing couldn’t be better. The NHL post season is a mere six weeks away…

3. Clearly I do better at forecasting when there is no dough on the line. So why not just keep picking winners on this site and forget about laying some cash, you ask? Well, what the fuck would be the point of that? I would just be like ever other hack in this town. Mouth, meet money.

4. Only saw two of the movies. Lucky duck.

5. It’s a sign from Jesus. I should move to Hollywood, get a job at TMZ, and hang out with Perez Hilton until six in the morning. Or until the blow runs out. Then I should wake up at 3 p.m. and do it all over again.

6. Then I should shoot myself in the face.

Mike Ethan from Toronto, Canada writes:

Welcome back JUDAS.

You’re such a liar Mats.

If you really loved the team as much as you claim, you would have accepted a trade to reload our team talent, and then resigned with us – coming back to an even more talented team from your trade, from your brief sacrifice.

I wish you’d just be a man, and admit, you only took care of yourself.

So ironic, since it would have been a similar sacrifice, i.e. Wendal Clark, which made you a Leaf.

I feel so betrayed.

(thanks to the comment section on the Globe and Mail’s Mats Sundin story today)

(alarms sound)

(voice comes over the intercom)

WE HAVE A TRADE!

STOP PROGRAMMING! STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!

SOMEONE GET IN THE ANCHOR’S CHAIR, WHERE’S SMITH? WE HAVE TO GET THIS ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW! SCREW THE COMMERCIALS! THIS IS OUR 9/11, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE WE KNOW IT EVEN HAPPENS!

PANELISTS! WHERE ARE THE PANELISTS? PANELISTS, ARE YOU READY?

ASSUME THE POSITIONS!

WE’VE BEEN PUMPING THIS UP FOR FOUR WEEKS NOW AND OUR FIRST BIG TRADE HAS COME THROUGH! THE TICKER WE HAVE ON THE WEBSITE IS WORKING!

MAKE SURE EVERYONE PUTS THEIR BLACKBERRIES ON THE DESK SO THAT OUR VIEWERS CAN SEE HOW WELL OUR HOCKEY INSIDERS ARE CONNECTED TO THE HOCKEY WORLD! WE’LL HAVE SOMEONE CALL YOU GUYS ONCE WE’RE ON AIR! IT WILL LOOK GREAT!

THIS IS IT, EVERYONE! LET’S NOT BLOW IT!

HERE WE GO! THREE…TWO…(silent beat)…

The Ottawa Senators acquired centre Mike Comrie and defenceman Chris Campoli in exchange for centre Dean McAmmond and the San Jose Sharks’ 2009 first-round draft pick.

(panel readying for reaction)

WE TOTALLY KNEW THAT TRADE WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! OH MY GOD! WHAT A DEAL! WHAT A DEAL FOR EVERYONE! WOW! BE VERY HAPPY OTTAWA FANS, YOU JUST GOT MIKE COMRIE BACK! FORGET ABOUT HOW INDIFFERENT HE WAS THE LAST TIME HE WAS THERE! THAT’S NOT THE REAL MIKE COMRIE!

LET THE INSANITY BEGIN!

HOCKEY FANS, ARE YOU READY? THE TRADING CRAZINESS IS UNDERWAY! AAAAAHHHHHH!

Sunday is not just for church and gambling is not just for football, people. You don’t have to look very hard to find some action on the 81st Academy Awards, that’s for sure. Another sure thing: Hugh Jackman will not be funny as host. We won’t watch a single second of this, but let’s get to the picks anyway…

Best Picture — The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Where’s Paul Blart? Highway robbery. Let’s see…I’ve seen Milk. I meant to see Slumdog. I want to see Frost/Nixon. The others, who cares? A guy gets younger as the years go by? What a dumb premise. I’m going to bet heavy on Slumdog. Milk wasn’t fantastic, and there has to be something better out there.

Best Director — Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire), Stephen Daldry (The Reader), David Fincher (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Ron Howard (Frost/Nixon), Gus Van Sant (Milk)

Dan Boyle. Good director, great defenceman on the power play.

Best Actor — Richard Jenkins (The Visitor), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Sean Penn (Milk), Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)

Hmmm…tough one. Pitt is boiling hot. Rourke is fucking crazy. Penn is Bono-preachy. Langella is Bea Arthur old. Jenkins is…don’t know who he is. Everyone is saying Rourke will win, but I’m going to take a stab on Penn. I haven’t seen the other films, but I bet he kissed more guys then they did.

Best Actress — Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married), Angelina Jolie (Changeling), Melissa Leo (Frozen River), Meryl Streep (Doubt), Kate Winslet (The Reader)

As I pointed out, there’s some serious sexiness in the category. Winslet.

Best Supporting Actor — Why even list the other nominees? If Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight) doesn’t win Hollywood should stab itself in the eye with a pencil and then burn to the ground.

Best Supporting Actress — Amy Adams (Doubt), Penélope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona), Viola Davis (Doubt), Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)

Tough call. We like the Tomei/Seinfeld connection and if my name was Costanza I’d go with her. Even though she doesn’t know how to sit on a couch, Cruz is lights out gorgeous, so she’ll get my support — however and whenever and in whatever position she needs me.

It’s been a while since we’ve had some audience participation on the site, so for the Friday Wrap Jam I’ve decided to ask a question to the five of you* who like to take a moment from your day to read this hunk of garbage.

The query: Name a band worse than Queen.

Good luck.

*Yes, readership is growing. Thanks. Tell your friends and lovers.

When things like this happen, I always wonder why they don’t happen more often. I mean, take into consideration how many teams in the many, many professional, minor pro, college, high school, and club leagues there are out there. You couldn’t even calculate how many miles of bus travel gets laid out on the highway across North America every year.

Let’s consider the two pro teams in Winnipeg that use the bus regularly in a season: The Manitoba Moose fly to Chicago or Toronto, and then bus to places like Grand Rapids or Syracuse or Quad City, often in the middle of the night — many times when the snow is flying. Would 7-10 hours of bus travel per trip out of Winnipeg be out of reach? That’s probably over 100 hours on the bus a season.

The Winnipeg Goldeyes live on the bus in the summer. We’re talking 15-hour bus rides to Chicago multiple times a season, plus a few back and forths to Kansas City (another 12-hour one way jaunt) and a few three-hour jobs to North Dakota. Would 150 hours be unreasonable? I imagine the Fish would take that number and say thank you very much.

My point is I can’t believe how fortunate sport has been when riding the bus. I know there have been some terrible tragedies in years past, some awful accidents that will never be forgot. Overall though, as clubs zip up and down highways all year round, it’s amazing it doesn’t happen more often.

As Walt Whitman continues to dominate our free time, we have put a hiatus on paying attention to everything fun. Seriously, Walt Whitman is no fun. He’s like Henry Rollins and no matter how many times I replay that Simpsons episode in my head (the one where Homer thinks Whitman’s grave is his mothers), fun is nowhere to be found.

What’s going on? Apparently, Milt Stegall retired from the Canadian Football League Wednesday. Hmm. Did anyone see him on the field last season?

I just closed the library and came across Conan. Thanks to Whitman, I forgot that this is his last week in New York and knowing how loose things are scripted on that show, the final week should be pretty funny. Taking an axe to the studio floor is a good start. Taking an axe to Nathan Lane would have been a better one.

Fortunately, we tuned in right when this video came on. Classic.